Black Eyed Pleeease!: Fergie & The Gang At The Super Bowl Halftime Show

Earlier this week we chronicled for you our favorite Super Bowl halftime shows, from Petty and the Who, to the Boss and the Stones. Tonight we will be live-blogging all the musical attractions from Super Bowl XLV from Dallas, er, Arlington. ​

Lined up in the next few minutes we will see Christina Aguilera singing the opening national anthem. Her performance has already been getting snickers for how long it might last, considering her penchant for ovvvvvering enuunnnnciiiiiating when she sings. Odds are that she takes up five minutes belting the historic patriotic jam.

Let's settle in with a bottle of Faygo and see what happens...

Be sure to follow us at @hprocksoff on Twitter too for more fun-ness.

5:20pm And we have Christina...She looks...full.

5:24pm I don't think that is how the lyrics go...

5:28pm Don't act like you wouldn't screw that up. You would think a huge event like this would have teleprompters.

5:30pm Christina Breakdown (In Case You Missed It): She replaced "o'er the ramparts we watched" with "what so proudly we watched..." 

5:32pm Lady Gaga should have premiered "Born This Way" during the Super Bowl in a commercial

5:35pm Oh Dom Capers...

5:38pm  The unofficial length of Aguilera's version of "The Star-Spangled Banner" was 1:54. Not bad at all. Was hoping for the three minutes.

5:41pm It was really just one phrase or so from what I could tell right off the bat. Just thank the Lord they didn't get Mariah, right?

5:47pm Here is a link to Christina's "Star Spangled Banner" if you dare....

5:50pm If you liked that Kenny G song, it's called "Songbird" and it rules when you play it super-loud when you are drunk.

5:53pm The best picture of Kenny G you will see all night, or YOUR LIFE.

6:01pm Touchdown Packers. Damn. I lost already. I bet my paycheck that no one would score the whole game and it would end in a 0-0 deadlock.


6:15pm The only Super Bowl commercial endorsed by the ghost of Ronnie James Dio. 

6:18pm Accidental reply-alls are no fun. Believe me. Not everyone wants to see Helen Hunt in a wet T-shirt. 

6:20pm For the halftime show, I will be live-tweeting at @hprocksoff on Twitter. It's quicker and more humane this way, kids.

6:25pm Hold me closer, Peter Stormare. That same thing happens to me when my bar runs out of daiquiris. 6:30pm Somewhere David Bowie is eating a bowl of mac and cheese, watching the game. He just farted. A glam fart. "Hey Iman, get me a beer, dammit. (braaaap) Changes. Hehehe."

6:36pm Here's the Eminem commercial for fake Brisk Iced Tea.

6:55pm I hear Katy Perry in the stadium. Welp, I may miss the halftime show looking at Katy Perry pictures now. Sorry.

7:01pm Head to @hprocksoff on Twitter for live-tweets for this Black Eyed Debacle. NOW. 

7:09pm This already sucks. Nice all-white clothing on the crowd on the field. Buncha cult shit.

7:11pm They covered Mama Ferg's dirty pillows up to well. We only have hope for an upskirt. The weird Navajo one is singing. I want my mom.

7:13pm "Sweet Child Of Mine" with Slash. Axl Rose is somewhere crying into his turkey pot pie. They really de-butched Fergie. Just saw ass cheek.

7:14pm I feel like I am watching the most expensive corporate retreat ever. Synergy.

7:16pm Loving the live auto tune. It's lulling me into a coma. USHER. USHER.  You ever see "Defending Your Life"? They stole the costumes from that movie for this thing. #timesaretough

7:19pm Buncha Tron bullshit. I think Will.I.Am's cold, menacing eyes pierced my soul tonight.

7:22pm Unacceptable. I wanted at least some Fergie strange. No nip-slips. No upskirts. I feel like Ralphie when he finds out the secret message from Little Orphan Annie was just a commercial.

7:23pm  It was completely sterile. No one even dropped a "retarded" during "Let's Get This Party Started".

7:40pm The Ozzy Osbourne and Justin Bieber commercial just happened. The Beeb sounds like his voice is getting deeper, and Sharon Osbourne is still one of the hottest older ladies ever. What?? Also, that's Beebs at the end with the beard.

To be honest with you, the Black Eyed Peas performance was very surgical and robotic. It wasn't just the outfits, a sort of Tron-lite motif, that made it so. The band is very clinical in it's nature. There is not much soul, even though everyone in the group solo is hella talented. But the sponsors and the NFL brass got what they wanted. Clean, white-bread, and unapologetic cornball entertainment.

Usher and Slash were odd choices. We understand that Usher was a given, since he is a Dallas native. Slash was a leftfield call, as was him and Fergie doing a stilted and glittered "Sweet Child O' Mine". Nice space-age top hat though, Saul.

9:10pm The Green Bay Packers just won the game, dashing the hopes of Pittsburgh Steelers fans, and local Pitt boy Gregg Gillis from Girl Talk. He was one of the most vocal fans on the Steelers side on Twitter. Maybe he can mash-up the saddest song ever now. 

Who do you think should be the halftime entertainment next year at Super Bowl XLVI in Indianapolis? Lady Gaga? Britney? Van Halen? You know, David Lee Roth is from Bloomington, Indiana after all...

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Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty