Ask anyone who really knows Rocks Off, and they'll probably tell you we can be a little slow on the uptake sometimes. We proved this once again earlier this week, when we updated our Facebook status with a plea for someone to explain to us what in tarnation a "meme" is.
We should have waited a few hours. Later that afternoon, a fascinating little time-waster called "I Write Like..." started showing up on our feed. Then it showed up again. And again.
All you do is paste some of your text (or anyone else's) into a box and click the "Analyze" button, and IWL tells you whichever writer, who has no doubt sold a lot more books than you have, that your writing most resembles. Rocks Off was so fascinated by this we tried it twice, first with a draft of an upcoming article we're writing and then with our recent review of Hole at House of Blues.
We got Arthur C. Clarke (2001: A Space Odyssey) the first time and William Gibson (Neuromancer) the second. Which is cool; we had never realized our style had such a sci-fi influence before. We just did it again with this introduction and got David Foster Wallace. Uh oh...
Then we started wondering, "Who would it say Bruce Springsteen writes like?" And then...
Artist: Bruce Springsteen Sample: "Born To Run"
In the day we sweat it out in the streets of a runaway American dream At night we ride through mansions of glory in suicide machines Sprung from cages out on highway 9, Chrome wheeled, fuel injected and steppin out over the line Baby this town rips the bones from your back Its a death trap, it's a suicide rap We gotta get out while were young `cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run
Wendy let me in I wanna be your friend I want to guard your dreams and visions Just wrap your legs round these velvet rims And strap your hands across my engines Together we could break this trap Well run till we drop, baby well never go back Will you walk with me out on the wire `cause baby Im just a scared and lonely rider But I gotta find out how it feels I want to know if love is wild, girl I want to know if love is real
Writes Like: Stephen King
Artist: Bob Dylan Sample: "Like a Rolling Stone"
Once upon a time you dressed so fine You threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you ? People'd call, say, "Beware doll, you're bound to fall" You thought they were all kiddin' you You used to laugh about Everybody that was hangin' out Now you don't talk so loud Now you don't seem so proud About having to be scrounging for your next meal.
How does it feel How does it feel To be without a home Like a complete unknown Like a rolling stone ?
You've gone to the finest school all right, Miss Lonely But you know you only used to get juiced in it And nobody has ever taught you how to live on the street And now you find out you're gonna have to get used to it You said you'd never compromise With the mystery tramp, but know you realize He's not selling any alibis As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes And say do you want to make a deal?
Writes Like: Ian Fleming
Rolling Stones Sample: "Honky Tonk Woman"
I met a gin soaked, bar-room queen in Memphis, She tried to take me upstairs for a ride. She had to heave me right across her shoulder 'Cause I just can't seem to drink you off my mind.
It's the honky tonk women Gimme, gimme, gimme the honky tonk blues.
I played a divorcee in New York City, I had to put up some kind of a fight. The lady then she covered me with roses, She blew my nose and then she blew my mind.
Writes Like: Kurt Vonnegut
ZZ Top Sample: "Pearl Necklace"
She's really upset with me again, I didn't give her what she likes. I don't know what to tell her, Don't know what to say. Everything got funky last night.
She was really bombed, And I was really blown away, Until I asked her what she wanted, And this is what she had to say: A pearl necklace. She wanna pearl necklace. She wanna pearl necklace.
Writes Like: Raymond Chandler
Guns 'N Roses Sample: "Paradise City"
Take me down to the paradise city Where the grass is green And the girls are pretty Take me home (Oh, won't you please take me home)
Just an urchin livin' under the street I'm a hard case that's tough to beat I'm your charity case So by me somethin' to eat I'll pay you at another time Take it to the end of the line
Rags to riches Or so they say You gotta Keep pushin' for the fortune and fame You know it's, it's all a gamble When it's just a game You treat it like a capitol crime Everybody' doin' their time
Writes Like: Margaret Mitchell
Metallica Sample: "Enter Sandman"
Say your prayers little one Dont forget, my son To include everyone Tuck you in, warm within keep you free from sin till the sandman he comes sleep with one eye open gripping your pillow tight
Exit, light Enter, Night Take my hand we're off to never-never land
Something's wrong, shut the light heavy thoughts tonight And they aren't of snow white dreams of war, dreams of liars dreams of dragon's fire and of things that will bite sleep with one eye open gripping your pillow tight
Writes Like: James Joyce
U2 Sample: "One"
Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same? Will it make it easier on you now? You got someone to blame You say
One love One life When it's one need In the night One love We get to share it Leaves you baby if you Don't care for it
Did I disappoint you? Or leave a bad taste in your mouth? You act like you never had love And you want me to go without Well it's
Too late Tonight To drag the past out into the light We're one, but we're not the same We get to Carry each other Carry each other One
Writes Like: Raymond Chandler
Radiohead Sample: "Karma Police"
Karma police, arrest this man He talks in maths He buzzes like a fridge He's like a detuned radio
Karma police, arrest this girl Her Hitler hairdo is Making me feel ill And we have crashed her party
This is what you'll get This is what you'll get This is what you'll get when you mess with us
Writes Like: William Gibson
Insane Clown Posse Sample: "What Is a Juggalo?"
What is a juggalo? Let me think for a second Oh, he gets butt-naked And then he walks through the streets Winking at the freaks With a two-liter stuck in his butt-cheeks
What is a juggalo? He just don't care He might try to put a weave In his nut hair Cuz he could give a fuck less What a bitch thinks He tell her that her butt stinks And all that
What is a juggalo? He drinks like a fish And then he starts huggin people Like a drunk bitch Next thing, he's pickin fights With his best friends Then he starts with the huggin again Fuck!
What is a juggalo? A fucking lunatic Somebody with a rope tied to his dick Then he jumps out a ten-story window Oh!
What is a juggalo? A juggalo That's what it is Well, fuck if I know What is a juggalo? I don't know But I'm down with the clown And I'm down for life, yo
Writes Like: Mark Twain
Eminem Sample: "Without Me"
I've created a monsta, 'cause nobody wants to See Marshall no more, they want Shady, I'm chopped liver. Well, if you want Shady, this is what I'll give ya A little bit of me mixed with some hard liquor Some vodka that will jumpstart my heart quicka Then a shock when I get shocked at the hospital By the doctor when I'm not cooperating When I'm rockin' the table while he's operating "Hey!"
You waited this long to stop debating 'Cause I'm back, I'm on the rag and ovulating I know that you got a job Mrs. Cheney But your husband's heart problem is complicating So the FCC won't let me be, Or let me be me so let me see They tried to shut me down on MTV But it feels so empty without me.
So come on dip, bum on your lips Jump back Jiggle a hip, and wiggle a bit, And get ready 'cause this shit's about to get heavy I just settled all my lawsuits, "Fuck you Debbie!"
Now this looks like a job for me So everybody just follow me 'Cause we need a little controversy, 'Cause it feels so empty without me I said this looks like a job for me So everybody just follow me 'Cause we need a little controversy, 'Cause it feels so empty without me
Writes Like: Chuck Palahniuk
Snoop Dogg Sample: "Drop It Like It's Hot"
I'm a gangsta, but y'all knew that Da Big Boss Dogg, yeah I had to do that I keep a blue flag hanging out my backside But only on the left side, yeah that's the Crip side Ain't no other way to play the game the way I play I cut so much you thought I was a DJ [scratches] "two!" - "one!" - "yep, three!"
S-N double O-P, D-O double G I can't fake it, just break it, and when I take it See I specialize in making all the girls get naked So bring your friends, all of y'all come inside We got a world premiere right here, now get live! So don't change the dizzle, turn it up a little I got a living room full of fine dime brizzles Waiting on the Pizzle, the Dizzle and the Shizzle G's to the bizzack, now ladies here we gizzo
When the pimp's in the crib ma Drop it like it's hot Drop it like it's hot Drop it like it's hot When the pigs try to get at yea Park it like it's hot Park it like it's hot Park it like it's hot And if a nigga get a attitude Pop it like it's hot Pop it like it's hot Pop it like it's hot I got the rolly on my arm and I'm pouring Chandon And I roll the best weed cause I got it going on
Writes Like: David Foster Wallace
Kanye West Sample: "Golddigger"
(She gives me money) Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger (When I'm in Need) But she ain't messin' with no broke niggas (She gives me money) Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger (When I'm in need) But she ain't messin' with no broke niggas Get down girl go head get down (I gotta leave) Get down girl go head get down (I gotta leave) Get down girl go head get down (I gotta leave) Get down girl gone head
Cutie the bomb Met her at a beauty salon With a baby Louis Vuitton Under her underarm She said I can tell you ROC I can tell by your charm Far as girls you got a flock I can tell by your charm and your arm but I'm looking for the one have you seen her? My psychic told me she have an ass like Serena Trina, Jennifer Lopez, four kids An I gotta take all they bad ass to show-biz OK get your kids but then they got their friends I pulled up in the Benz, they all got up in We all went to Den and then I had to pay If you fucking with this girl then you better be payed You know why It take too much to touch her From what I heard she got a baby by Busta My best friend say she use to fuck with Usher I don't care what none of you all say I still love her
Writes Like: David Foster Wallace
Lady Gaga Sample: "Poker Face"
I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas please Fold em' let em' hit me raise it baby stay with me (I love it) Luck and intuition play the cards with Spades to start And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart
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SHOW ME HOW
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh I'll get him hot, show him what I've got Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh, I'll get him hot, show him what I've got
Can't read my, Can't read my No he can't read my poker face (she's got to love nobody) Can't read my Can't read my No he can't read my poker face (she's got to love nobody)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face (Mum mum mum mah) P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face (Mum mum mum mah)
Writes Like: Raymond Chandler