Ask anyone who really knows Rocks Off, and they’ll probably tell you we can be a little slow on the uptake sometimes. We proved this once again earlier this week, when we updated our Facebook status with a plea for someone to explain to us what in tarnation a “meme” is.
We should have waited a few hours. Later that afternoon, a fascinating little time-waster called “I Write Like…” started showing up on our feed. Then it showed up again. And again.
All you do is paste some of your text (or anyone else’s) into a box and click the “Analyze” button, and IWL tells you whichever writer, who has no doubt sold a lot more books than you have, that your writing most resembles. Rocks Off was so fascinated by this we tried it twice, first with a draft of an upcoming article we’re writing and then with our recent review of Hole at House of Blues.
We got Arthur C. Clarke (2001: A Space Odyssey) the first time and William Gibson (Neuromancer) the second. Which is cool; we had never realized our style had such a sci-fi influence before. We just did it again with this introduction and got David Foster Wallace. Uh oh…
Then we started wondering, “Who would it say Bruce Springsteen writes like?” And then…
Artist: Bruce Springsteen Sample: “Born To Run”
In the day we sweat it out in the streets of a runaway American dream
At night we ride through mansions of glory in suicide machines
Sprung from cages out on highway 9,
Chrome wheeled, fuel injected and steppin out over the line
Baby this town rips the bones from your back
Its a death trap, it’s a suicide rap
We gotta get out while were young
`cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run
Wendy let me in I wanna be your friend
I want to guard your dreams and visions
Just wrap your legs round these velvet rims
And strap your hands across my engines
Together we could break this trap
Well run till we drop, baby well never go back
Will you walk with me out on the wire
`cause baby Im just a scared and lonely rider
But I gotta find out how it feels
I want to know if love is wild, girl I want to know if love is real
Writes Like: Stephen King
Artist: Bob Dylan Sample: “Like a Rolling Stone”
Once upon a time you dressed so fine
You threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn’t you ?
People’d call, say, “Beware doll, you’re bound to fall”
You thought they were all kiddin’ you
You used to laugh about
Everybody that was hangin’ out
Now you don’t talk so loud
Now you don’t seem so proud
About having to be scrounging for your next meal.
How does it feel
How does it feel
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone ?
You’ve gone to the finest school all right, Miss Lonely
But you know you only used to get juiced in it
And nobody has ever taught you how to live on the street
And now you find out you’re gonna have to get used to it
You said you’d never compromise
With the mystery tramp, but know you realize
He’s not selling any alibis
As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes
And say do you want to make a deal?
Writes Like: Ian Fleming
Rolling Stones Sample: “Honky Tonk Woman”
I met a gin soaked, bar-room queen in Memphis,
She tried to take me upstairs for a ride.
She had to heave me right across her shoulder
‘Cause I just can’t seem to drink you off my mind.
It’s the honky tonk women
Gimme, gimme, gimme the honky tonk blues.
I played a divorcee in New York City,
I had to put up some kind of a fight.
The lady then she covered me with roses,
She blew my nose and then she blew my mind.
Writes Like: Kurt Vonnegut
ZZ Top Sample: “Pearl Necklace”
She’s really upset with me again,
I didn’t give her what she likes.
I don’t know what to tell her,
Don’t know what to say.
Everything got funky last night.
She was really bombed,
And I was really blown away,
Until I asked her what she wanted,
And this is what she had to say:
A pearl necklace.
She wanna pearl necklace.
She wanna pearl necklace.
Writes Like: Raymond Chandler
Guns ‘N Roses Sample: “Paradise City”
Take me down to the paradise city
Where the grass is green
And the girls are pretty
Take me home (Oh, won’t you please take me home)
Just an urchin livin’ under the street
I’m a hard case that’s tough to beat
I’m your charity case
So by me somethin’ to eat
I’ll pay you at another time
Take it to the end of the line
Rags to riches
Or so they say
You gotta
Keep pushin’ for the fortune and fame
You know it’s, it’s all a gamble
When it’s just a game
You treat it like a capitol crime
Everybody’ doin’ their time
Writes Like: Margaret Mitchell
Metallica Sample: “Enter Sandman”
Say your prayers little one
Dont forget, my son
To include everyone
Tuck you in, warm within
keep you free from sin
till the sandman he comes
sleep with one eye open
gripping your pillow tight
Exit, light
Enter, Night
Take my hand
we’re off to never-never land
Something’s wrong, shut the light
heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren’t of snow white
dreams of war, dreams of liars
dreams of dragon’s fire
and of things that will bite
sleep with one eye open
gripping your pillow tight
Writes Like: James Joyce
U2 Sample: “One”
Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You say
One love
One life
When it’s one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don’t care for it
Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it’s
Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We’re one, but we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One
Writes Like: Raymond Chandler
Radiohead Sample: “Karma Police”
Karma police, arrest this man
He talks in maths
He buzzes like a fridge
He’s like a detuned radio
Karma police, arrest this girl
Her Hitler hairdo is
Making me feel ill
And we have crashed her party
This is what you’ll get
This is what you’ll get
This is what you’ll get when you mess with us
Writes Like: William Gibson
Insane Clown Posse Sample: “What Is a Juggalo?”
What is a juggalo?
Let me think for a second
Oh, he gets butt-naked
And then he walks through the streets
Winking at the freaks
With a two-liter stuck in his butt-cheeks
What is a juggalo?
He just don’t care
He might try to put a weave
In his nut hair
Cuz he could give a fuck less
What a bitch thinks
He tell her that her butt stinks
And all that
What is a juggalo?
He drinks like a fish
And then he starts huggin people
Like a drunk bitch
Next thing, he’s pickin fights
With his best friends
Then he starts with the huggin again
Fuck!
What is a juggalo?
A fucking lunatic
Somebody with a rope tied to his dick
Then he jumps out a ten-story window
Oh!
What is a juggalo?
A juggalo
That’s what it is
Well, fuck if I know
What is a juggalo?
I don’t know
But I’m down with the clown
And I’m down for life, yo
Writes Like: Mark Twain
Eminem Sample: “Without Me”
I’ve created a monsta, ’cause nobody wants to
See Marshall no more, they want Shady,
I’m chopped liver.
Well, if you want Shady, this is what I’ll give ya
A little bit of me mixed with some hard liquor
Some vodka that will jumpstart my heart quicka
Then a shock when I get shocked at the hospital
By the doctor when I’m not cooperating
When I’m rockin’ the table while he’s operating “Hey!”
You waited this long to stop debating
‘Cause I’m back, I’m on the rag and ovulating
I know that you got a job Mrs. Cheney
But your husband’s heart problem is complicating
So the FCC won’t let me be,
Or let me be me so let me see
They tried to shut me down on MTV
But it feels so empty without me.
So come on dip, bum on your lips
Jump back Jiggle a hip, and wiggle a bit,
And get ready ’cause this shit’s about to get heavy
I just settled all my lawsuits, “Fuck you Debbie!”
Now this looks like a job for me
So everybody just follow me
‘Cause we need a little controversy,
‘Cause it feels so empty without me
I said this looks like a job for me
So everybody just follow me
‘Cause we need a little controversy,
‘Cause it feels so empty without me
Writes Like: Chuck Palahniuk
Snoop Dogg Sample: “Drop It Like It’s Hot”
I’m a gangsta, but y’all knew that
Da Big Boss Dogg, yeah I had to do that
I keep a blue flag hanging out my backside
But only on the left side, yeah that’s the Crip side
Ain’t no other way to play the game the way I play
I cut so much you thought I was a DJ
[scratches] “two!” – “one!” – “yep, three!”
S-N double O-P, D-O double G
I can’t fake it, just break it, and when I take it
See I specialize in making all the girls get naked
So bring your friends, all of y’all come inside
We got a world premiere right here, now get live!
So don’t change the dizzle, turn it up a little
I got a living room full of fine dime brizzles
Waiting on the Pizzle, the Dizzle and the Shizzle
G’s to the bizzack, now ladies here we gizzo
When the pimp’s in the crib ma
Drop it like it’s hot
Drop it like it’s hot
Drop it like it’s hot
When the pigs try to get at yea
Park it like it’s hot
Park it like it’s hot
Park it like it’s hot
And if a nigga get a attitude
Pop it like it’s hot
Pop it like it’s hot
Pop it like it’s hot
I got the rolly on my arm and I’m pouring Chandon
And I roll the best weed cause I got it going on
Writes Like: David Foster Wallace
Kanye West Sample: “Golddigger”
(She gives me money)
Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger (When I’m in Need)
But she ain’t messin’ with no broke niggas
(She gives me money)
Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger (When I’m in need)
But she ain’t messin’ with no broke niggas
Get down girl go head get down (I gotta leave)
Get down girl go head get down (I gotta leave)
Get down girl go head get down (I gotta leave)
Get down girl gone head
Cutie the bomb
Met her at a beauty salon
With a baby Louis Vuitton
Under her underarm
She said I can tell you ROC
I can tell by your charm
Far as girls you got a flock
I can tell by your charm and your arm
but I’m looking for the one
have you seen her?
My psychic told me she have an ass like Serena
Trina, Jennifer Lopez, four kids
An I gotta take all they bad ass to show-biz
OK get your kids but then they got their friends
I pulled up in the Benz, they all got up in
We all went to Den and then I had to pay
If you fucking with this girl then you better be payed
You know why
It take too much to touch her
From what I heard she got a baby by Busta
My best friend say she use to fuck with Usher
I don’t care what none of you all say I still love her
Writes Like: David Foster Wallace
Lady Gaga Sample: “Poker Face”
I wanna hold em’ like they do in Texas please
Fold em’ let em’ hit me raise it baby stay with me (I love it)
Luck and intuition play the cards with Spades to start
And after he’s been hooked I’ll play the one that’s on his heart
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh
I’ll get him hot, show him what I’ve got
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh,
I’ll get him hot, show him what I’ve got
Can’t read my,
Can’t read my
No he can’t read my poker face
(she’s got to love nobody)
Can’t read my
Can’t read my
No he can’t read my poker face
(she’s got to love nobody)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
Writes Like: Raymond Chandler
This article appears in Jul 15-21, 2010.
