Booty Drumming Is Not Nearly As Awesome As It Sounds

If you take Jorge Perez's word for it, four bouncy asses and a lone cymbal are proof that music can be found anywhere (as long as you have four willing women to bare their bums in the name of art, of course).

Solidifying his status as the envy of dudes everywhere, Jorge convinced four women to bare their bums for his drumming pleasure and recorded it for all the world to see. Drummers really do get all the chicks.

As a jazz-fusion percussionist with the band Patax, Jorge is known for playing percussion on peculiar instruments, so this booty-bongo video may be of little surprise to anyone familiar with his work.

What is surprising, however, is the nearly 7 million views this video has on YouTube. There must be a crap ton of dudes wishing they'd taken up the drums right about now for him to be pulling those kinds of numbers.

The hype over this spankin' video got me thinking: What's the point of this endeavor? Doesn't this happen in every rap video known to man? And just how in the hell are those asses not red after being smacked around for so long?! (I tend to ponder on life's most important questions, obviously.)

Because I'm committed to bringing you only the most high-quality journalism, I've analyzed this video, in all its bouncy-assed glory, complete with frame shots below.


2-second mark: Being the gentleman that he is, Jorge really takes the bum-drumming intro slowly, easing us (or perhaps the women in this glorified spanking video) into the beat with only a few taps of the ass. He rolls out his neck to ease off the tension, leaving me with the feeling that using derrieres as drums may be a slightly stressful profession for him.

24-second mark: It becomes apparent to me that the third bum in from the left is his favorite. He spends the most time on those cheeks, neglecting the others in favor of what she's offering. He's obviously not an ass man; she's packing the smallest of the goods.

28 second mark: Keeping his eye on the prized third bum, he gives a little love pat to the left two, but leaves the right-hand one feeling like the redheaded step-child. What gives? I'm beginning to feel slightly offended for that ass; this is a communal ass-spanking video! No one ass should be the star.

35 second mark: Back to the third one in. So this must be why therapists don't recommend open relationships. Someone always gets jealous; the right-hand butt is still loveless. If I were her, I'd stomp off the set.

1:11: Back to old fancy-pants favorite again. Why is this entertaining?

2:00 mark: I realize this video has gone on about 1:45 seconds too long. Fifteen seconds of ass-spanking must be my limit. I'm a sensitive soul.

2:03 mark: Holy hell. His obsession with one member of the quad drum line is exactly why bands break up. Everyone deserves a moment in the spotlight. Stay strong, neglected righty. You'll find someone who appreciates you someday.

2:15: We're finally getting somewhere, with Jorge drumming in hyper-mode. Finally, frenzied booty-spankin' is taking over.

2:19: A look of confusion; oh crap, where to now? He must have realized the error of his ways, and begins to compensate for his errors. Maybe ol' righty will forgive him after all.

2:25: Now I see why we needed to let the tension out of our neck, Jorge. Frenetic head bobbing to the beat is gonna cause you to pull a muscle!

2:32: More random cymbal, and the thought that this shit is never. going. to. end.

2:34: Aaaaaand, we're done.

2:44: Oh, wait. No, we're not. It puts the lotion on its skin...Jorge is treating us to a show, with him rubbing lotion on the abused behinds. Why is this starting to feel like a bad porn intro?

2:47: Jorge grins like the happiest man on earth, while I wonder how to build a flux capacitor and get three minutes of my life back. Lucky bastard; he got all the fun while all I did was watch. Voyeurism is not my thing, apparently.

Well, that was overrated. I suppose eight ass cheeks are better aesthetically, but really, two could have accomplished what all eight did here. Slightly indulgent, if you ask me.

And although he added variety with four bums, the tones are all the same. Obviously he needs to consult some of the great booty connoisseurs; may I suggest Sir Mixalot or 2 Live Crew for a lesson on the appreciation of a more well developed rear? Perhaps that would add some spice to this bland mix.

Also, what gives, Jorge? A booty drumming video sans booty clapping? That has to be illegal; booty clapping is percussion at its finest. We all know that.

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