Boy, Do We Feel Old: "Hot for Teacher" and Other Back-To-School Songs

Today is the first day of school for almost all the public school districts in the area. Children and teens from Alvin to Alief are trudging into polished halls and sterile classrooms for yet another year of romantic intrigue and bitter class struggle, and impromptu dance routines in the cafeteria, gym and commons areas.

We actually miss those first days of school, when we had hope and ambition that the coming year wouldn't be like the last, with all the weapons charges and stairwell drug deals, but alas the underground crime current of fourth grade pulled us back in for one last score.

We compiled a list of songs to send mommy's little monster off to the salt mines of government-funded learning and societal shame. Steer clear of the seniors, because they will be out for blood, and try to find a friend with a bitchin' car. Also, wear deodorant like everyday. And remember to make friends with the dude who sits under the stairwell talking about the Clash all day - he may be reviewing your album in a few years.

W.A.S.P., "School Dayz": No band ever looked more like they had never set foot into an institution of learning than Blackie Lawless and his band W.A.S.P. The closest that guitarist Chris Holmes ever got to a high school was probably the two comely cheerleaders that somehow found their way onto his tour bus in 1985.

Van Halen, "Hot For Teacher": They should teach a whole semester on how awesome Van Halen was back in the day. We always had this song in our heads as we hit the school doors every year, but we were always invariably let down. Until we saw Ms. Holman in eighth grade. Holy mama! She had a Jennifer Aniston haircut and smelled like Virginia Slims, and knew who Rancid was.

The Police, "Don't Stand To Close To Me": Ugh, we don't even like the Police, but this had to make the cut (we guess). To us, this band was always Stewart Copeland and two other dudes anyway.

The Replacements, "Kiss Me On The Bus": The school bus was a hotbed of innuendo and teenage angst, like a lusty juvenile hall on wheels. Paul Westerberg agrees.

Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Catholic School Girls Rule": Damn damn, we sure must have missed the boat going to public school instead of a Catholic school. Apparently all girls who go to said institutions are deprived sex-crazed monsters with an insatiable appetite for dudes. Unlike their counterparts in public school who are sexless prudes?

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Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty