Cage Match: Miranda Lambert Vs. Clockpole

Ladies and gentlemen, Wednesday night a battle will be waged for your very musical soul. In this corner, sending diabetics into comas at the wheel with her saccharine sweetness is young country sensation Miranda Lambert.

And in this corner, wearing... nothing... He is nude, he is lewd, he is crude, and he has been known to cover the audience in poo, the master of mayhem, the sultan of sick, Joe Ortiz of Clockpole!

Cue the entrance music! This is the Cage Match!

Rocks Off: Mr. Ortiz, can you tell the millions of Houstonians why they should spend their hard-earned recession dollars and cents at your show rather than the big budget spectacular that is a Miranda Lambert concert?

Joe Ortiz: Clockpole vs. Miranda Lambert? Easy, Clockpole. There's no way one lame pop singer - I refuse to call her a country singer out of love and respect to Merle Haggard - could stand a chance against Clockpole.

Clockpole would crank up all six amps and four out of five drummers would begin playing early. Half the band would be naked within the first minute and the other half would hand their instruments over for people in the audience to play.

As the show goes on, more people get naked and join the band on stage and more of the band joins the audience off stage further blurring the line between who is and who isn't in the band, because with Clockpole, if you touch an instrument you are immediately a member.

Miranda Lambert would not be immune to the effects of Clockpole. Once her ears heard the sweet chaos of our instruments and her eyes gazed upon the sweet awesomeness of our exposed wieners, she would rip a few strings off of her guitar, play it upside down, and [Ed. Note: Clockpole members are not known for being well-groomed or especially couth], and she would be fully assimilated into the ranks of Clockpole.

Then Clockpole's own drunken Bryan Hayes would steal her Grammy, claiming she said he could have it. He can never leave a show without stealing something.

Rocks Off: Could you sum that up in three words or less?

Joe Ortiz: Fuck Miranda Lambert!

Rocks Off: Strong words, Mr. Ortiz. Ms. Lambert, have you any retort?

Miranda Lambert (from "I Wanna Die"): If you're handin' out misery, I'll be the first in line/ If you're the death of me, darlin', I wanna die.

Rocks Off: Is this surrender? It could be the power of Clockpole's wiener magic.

Clockpole plays M O I S T with Japanther, Muhammad Ali, Daikaju, GRRRL Parts, Best Legs, Square & Compass, Corners, Howler, Bryan Messina, Brock Mc Rock at Mango's and AvantGarden Wednesday, March 16. Lambert plays RodeoHouston the same night.

Follow Rocks Off on Facebook and on Twitter at @HPRocksOff.

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner