Since Thanksgiving night, local dentist office-core radio stationSunny 99.1 FM
has been pumping out non-stop Christmas tunes as they have been doing now for quite a few years. It's a Houston phenomenon and an ominous bellwether for the coming holiday. You pretty much know when you can hear Vanessa Williams or Josh Groban pounding out stone-cold Christmas jams 24 hours a day that you probably need to start shopping for your chick and looking for a tree for the living room. Sadly, for Rocks Off it just means we start plotting our drunken Christmas-party itinerary. Thursday afternoon, we buckled down and listened to the stations online audio stream for a full hour of awkward holiday bliss so you don't have to. Think of it as our public service. In fact, right now we are on the horn with our parole officer to find out if it counts as community service. We have an image to uphold, and having Michael Buble and Gloria Estefan soil our headphones doesn't exactly make chicks fall over with lust. We need to be compensated. Here's how the hour played out...
"Christmas Shoes," Newsong
More than anything else surrounding the holidays, including ham and free whiskey, we look forward to having this song to kick around for a month. We understand that dead mothers and poor kids aren't exactly fun fodder, but why does the child need to buy shoes so Mom will look sexy for Jesus? This also brings into question whether or not Heaven has a dress code - and even worse, does our Lord and Savior have a shameful foot fetish?
"Winter Wonderland," The Eurhythmics
We have little patience for Annie Lennox as it is, and we don't like her fussing around with Christmas music. Same goes for Dave Stewart.
"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer," Harry Connick Jr.
This wouldn't be so bad except that it just reminds us of every Christmas movie that shitheel Vince Vaughn puts out. All we see are his chubby jowls complaining about elves and women in our heads.
"Christmas Canon," Trans Siberian Orchestra
We know no one personally who owns a Trans Siberian Orchestra album. What do these guys do when it's not November or December? Don't tell us. Our imaginations are more than enough.
For a few minutes we get through a handful of commercials from caterers and jewelers, guilty tripping dudes into buying jewelry for some undeserving girl more than likely who will just buy him an edger or gym membership in return. Then the DJ remarks that there will be no Christmas parties or company bonuses this year because the economy is bad. That's a lie though. The whole world runs on credit cards and Houston is no different, sucka! Let's go to Spec's and rage on the vodka aisle!
"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas," Amy Grant
Remember when Amy Grant was a Christian pop singer? Like a Tiffany or Debbie Gibson who wouldn't blow you under the Christmas tree and would instead buy a new Bible for your stocking?
"All I Want For Christmas," Mariah Carey
This is like the "Stairway To Heaven" of holiday songs. No matter what else Carey does for the rest of her life, it won't compare to the impact of her Christmas album.
"Santa Claus Is Coming To Town," Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band
Who are we kidding? Bruce and company could sing the directions on the back of a Fleet enema and we would dig the hell out of it. We like the banter with Clarence Clemons and the rest of the band in the intro of the song. You can actually hear Bruce's smile.
"White Christmas," Bing Crosby
Every time this gets played, it seems that it gets slower and slower to us, as if the recording is steadily degrading. Crosby sounds like he's on downers now, and we want some of what he was on.
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"Happy X-Mas (War Is Over)," John Lennon
Between this and Mariah, no other Christmas music needs to exist. Seriously, cut the shit everyone else. Holiday truth getting spit at ya from J-Yo is all the world needs.
"Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree," Brenda Lee
Can you believe that Brenda Lee was only 13 when she recorded this? Also, does anyone else think when she says "pumpkin pie" that she is actually saying "fuckin' pie"? Maybe we are just hungry after having aural candy canes shoved in our ear canals.