It's nearing the end of the school year. That means that for some reason, there's going to be a fight-video Vine montage at your high school. People are going to "oooh" and "ahhh" and somebody is going to get one clean punch in and things will be over. Dunzo.
Point is, you shouldn't fight anybody unless you have to. You, by most human standards of decency, should try to talk it out with someone if you have a disagreement. However, if you do have to fight, I suggest that you land the first punch to at least keep your opponent off guard.
You see, Plies got into a scuffle over the weekend. Easter weekend to be precise. The running joke is that he died somewhere in Tallahassee on Friday and rose on Sunday morning to turn back into Kirk Franklin. Plies was valedictorian of his high-school class. Plies also played college football at Miami University as Nod Washington. Plies, for all reasons in the world, should never, ever get into a fight. Yet he did Friday night. A fan of his found the perfect time in the universe to execute a belly-to-belly suplex on Plies before getting stomped out by security.
Think about that. A belly-to-belly suplex is one of the more simple wrestling moves around. If you lock your arms around someone, lift him off the ground and then slam them back down, you've officially earned a badass title; especially if you pull off a textbook belly-to-belly. Secondary awards are given to German Suplexes for the actuality of hitting it in real life.
The rarest? A fucking Tiger Suplex. Look at it -- how are you ever going to pull that off in a fight?
Rappers and security go hand in hand. Rappers who have successful security are legends. Rappers who fight fans at shows are legends, too. Rappers who get their asses whipped by fans at shows (including but not limited to Travi$ Scott, PM Dawn, ILoveMakonnen) lose their credibility like Sonic lost his rings whenever he ran into anybody. Seriously, James Harden learned how to take a foul from Sonic the Hedgehog. It's fact.
This particular list was inspired in large part by Plies getting tossed off his own stage Friday. Also, it was inspired by RiFF RaFF's security literally turning into a boulder and pulverizing some kid at a show here at Warehouse Live a few weeks back. Or Killer Mike fighting a crazed fan during a Run the Jewels SXSW set. Or Action Bronson constantly beating up drunk fans who decide to mess up his performances.
The gauge is simple: if I got past security, could I perform a wrestling move on a rapper? And if not, what move would they hit me with?
Example: BeatKing. There's literally a 20 percent chance you're going to be able to perform a wrestling move on BeatKing. Fighting BeatKing would literally be all punches. But BeatKing is a girthy dude. He'd probably chokeslam you. Yup, he'd chokeslam you and then make a freestyle about it. He made one for Plies.
We continue on.
Justin Bieber Could You Hit a Wrestling Move On Justin Bieber? Yes Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Sharpshooter
Justin Bieber is Canadian. He's also prone to letting Lil Twist take charges for the dumb shit he's done. Thus, he's probably more like Chris Jericho just before he learned 1,004 holds.
You could definitely hit a wrestling move on Justin Bieber. He'd probably also do the Canadian thing and put you in a Sharpshooter since it's the country's most famous wrestling move. I would have said a diving headbutt but the WWE would want you to know that the guy who first started doing that in the modern era DOESN'T EVEN EXIST.
Bun B Could You Hit A Wrestling Move On Bun B? No Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Clothesline From Hell
Bun seems old-school enough. Even if Pimp C always told us to keep a pistol and fuck a fight, Bun more than likely would wind up on someone if they touched him wrong, cock his arm back and lay them out like John Bradshaw Layfield.
Killa Kyleon Could You Hit a Wrestling Move On Killa Kyleon? No Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Rock Bottom
Killa Kyleon may as well be The Rock when it comes to lifting weights. Both of them are huge. They somehow still have necks despite all their heavy lifting. Killa just seems like the type to forget a simple body slam and just drive you down to the ground with him.
Sauce Walka Could You Hit A Wrestling Move On Sauce Walka? Yes Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Superkick
Sauce Walka has already fought people, before so he may actually welcome fisticuffs. You may get a Spear in to try and get some ground on him, but that may not even be the case. However, he would not let his fists do all the talking. He'd probably take one of his red boots and send them straight to your jaw. Sauce Walka doesn't care about throwing hands in public. He does care about making sure he wins the fight.
KAB Tha Don Could You Hit a Wrestling Move On KAB Tha Don? Yes Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With? German Suplex
See, KAB is the muscle guy for the Headwreckas. He doesn't need to fight, but seems like the type to enjoy flashing his gold teeth before laying some dumb fan out. You could probably perform an uppercut on KAB if you truly didn't value your life and wanted to see God early or something.
Needless to say, he's mobile enough to jump behind someone, grab them by their waist and fling them over his head. He's not Brock Lesnar, but he's pretty close.
Story continues on the next page.
