It's nearing the end of the school year. That means that for some reason, there's going to be a fight-video Vine montage at your high school. People are going to "oooh" and "ahhh" and somebody is going to get one clean punch in and things will be over. Dunzo.
Point is, you shouldn't fight anybody unless you have to. You, by most human standards of decency, should try to talk it out with someone if you have a disagreement. However, if you do have to fight, I suggest that you land the first punch to at least keep your opponent off guard.
You see, Plies got into a scuffle over the weekend. Easter weekend to be precise. The running joke is that he died somewhere in Tallahassee on Friday and rose on Sunday morning to turn back into Kirk Franklin. Plies was valedictorian of his high-school class. Plies also played college football at Miami University as Nod Washington. Plies, for all reasons in the world, should never, ever get into a fight. Yet he did Friday night. A fan of his found the perfect time in the universe to execute a belly-to-belly suplex on Plies before getting stomped out by security.
Think about that. A belly-to-belly suplex is one of the more simple wrestling moves around. If you lock your arms around someone, lift him off the ground and then slam them back down, you've officially earned a badass title; especially if you pull off a textbook belly-to-belly. Secondary awards are given to German Suplexes for the actuality of hitting it in real life.
The rarest? A fucking Tiger Suplex. Look at it -- how are you ever going to pull that off in a fight?
Rappers and security go hand in hand. Rappers who have successful security are legends. Rappers who fight fans at shows are legends, too. Rappers who get their asses whipped by fans at shows (including but not limited to Travi$ Scott, PM Dawn, ILoveMakonnen) lose their credibility like Sonic lost his rings whenever he ran into anybody. Seriously, James Harden learned how to take a foul from Sonic the Hedgehog. It's fact.
This particular list was inspired in large part by Plies getting tossed off his own stage Friday. Also, it was inspired by RiFF RaFF's security literally turning into a boulder and pulverizing some kid at a show here at Warehouse Live a few weeks back. Or Killer Mike fighting a crazed fan during a Run the Jewels SXSW set. Or Action Bronson constantly beating up drunk fans who decide to mess up his performances.
The gauge is simple: if I got past security, could I perform a wrestling move on a rapper? And if not, what move would they hit me with?
Example: BeatKing. There's literally a 20 percent chance you're going to be able to perform a wrestling move on BeatKing. Fighting BeatKing would literally be all punches. But BeatKing is a girthy dude. He'd probably chokeslam you. Yup, he'd chokeslam you and then make a freestyle about it. He made one for Plies.
We continue on.
Justin Bieber Could You Hit a Wrestling Move On Justin Bieber? Yes Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Sharpshooter
Justin Bieber is Canadian. He's also prone to letting Lil Twist take charges for the dumb shit he's done. Thus, he's probably more like Chris Jericho just before he learned 1,004 holds.
You could definitely hit a wrestling move on Justin Bieber. He'd probably also do the Canadian thing and put you in a Sharpshooter since it's the country's most famous wrestling move. I would have said a diving headbutt but the WWE would want you to know that the guy who first started doing that in the modern era DOESN'T EVEN EXIST.
Bun B Could You Hit A Wrestling Move On Bun B? No Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Clothesline From Hell
Bun seems old-school enough. Even if Pimp C always told us to keep a pistol and fuck a fight, Bun more than likely would wind up on someone if they touched him wrong, cock his arm back and lay them out like John Bradshaw Layfield.
Killa Kyleon Could You Hit a Wrestling Move On Killa Kyleon? No Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Rock Bottom
Killa Kyleon may as well be The Rock when it comes to lifting weights. Both of them are huge. They somehow still have necks despite all their heavy lifting. Killa just seems like the type to forget a simple body slam and just drive you down to the ground with him.
Sauce Walka Could You Hit A Wrestling Move On Sauce Walka? Yes Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Superkick
Sauce Walka has already fought people, before so he may actually welcome fisticuffs. You may get a Spear in to try and get some ground on him, but that may not even be the case. However, he would not let his fists do all the talking. He'd probably take one of his red boots and send them straight to your jaw. Sauce Walka doesn't care about throwing hands in public. He does care about making sure he wins the fight.
KAB Tha Don Could You Hit a Wrestling Move On KAB Tha Don? Yes Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With? German Suplex
See, KAB is the muscle guy for the Headwreckas. He doesn't need to fight, but seems like the type to enjoy flashing his gold teeth before laying some dumb fan out. You could probably perform an uppercut on KAB if you truly didn't value your life and wanted to see God early or something.
Needless to say, he's mobile enough to jump behind someone, grab them by their waist and fling them over his head. He's not Brock Lesnar, but he's pretty close.
Story continues on the next page.
Tyga Could You Hit a Wrestling Move On Tyga? Yes Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Nothing
Tyga is maybe one of five people on Earth who have chosen rap as a profession and you could literally beat up. Every time he's decided to do some rather terrible creepy activity (such as bringing his son around his underage girlfriend for Easter), you're more than likely able to hit him with a Pedigree and do us all a favor. At least we'll have "Rack City" to remember him by.
Young Thug Could You Hit a Wrestling Move On Young Thug? Maybe Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: N/A
I have zero idea on this. Young Thug is lanky but he's not entirely threatening. He's more like an ambiguous creature who you may be able to knockout with say maybe a neckbreaker but may also get put to sleep by. Then again, he might hit you with a body splash like the Ultimate Warrior and go on about his day. I just don't know.
Scarface Could You Hit A Wrestling Move On Scarface? Not In Your Life Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Sleeper Hold
Scarface seems old-school enough to do something along the lines of the Million Dollar Dream. Also, there's no way in your life you're fighting Scarface and living to tell the tale because it's a) Scarface; and b) he'd probably put you in the dirt and that's on Hoover.
Z-Ro Could You Hit a Wrestling Move On Z-Ro? No Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Knockout Punch
According to legend, Z-Ro once fought Shane Mosley in the club. According to even more legend, Z-Ro has fought plenty of people simply because they have him misunderstood and he needed to set them straight. Z-Ro has rapped about gut punches. Rappers usually don't rap about gut punches. They usually don't call themselves KimRo Slice or Rohammed Ali either. Don't anger Z-Ro to the point of a goddamn gut punch.
Drake Could You Hit a Wrestling Move On Drake? Never. Ever. Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Elbow Drop
Drake loves owls. He would more than likely wait until you stumbled on the ground and hit you with a Macho Man elbow-drop. However, Drake has people around him -- ALWAYS. He probably has J. Prince around for small moments in case he might fight somebody. Had this been the Drake of four years ago, I'd definitely say you may be able to fight Drake. Drake now, who may have James Prince doing his dirty work? Don't ever fight that guy.
Lil Wayne Could You Hit a Wrestling Move On Lil Wayne? Depends Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Curb Stomp
Lil Wayne loves to skateboard. However, depending on where his security is, you just might be able to fight him onstage. Those Cash Money budget cuts have left him doing club dates as opposed to the stadiums he's used to, which means club security is 30 percent less likely to care about somebody because they've been turned down for their quarterly raise. Wayne may hit you with a curb stomp off the top of a speaker if given the chance. You may also F5 him into oblivion. Blame Birdman.
Action Bronson Could You Hit A Wrestling Move On Action Bronson? GOD NO. Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Shoulder Tackle
Action Bronson is a big damn dude. A guy who wears a ponytail sometimes but also can cook and rap like a wizard. He is also, a huge wrestling fan and someone who has on numerous occasions beaten fans up and thrown them to the wolves because he wanted to. Don't ever in your life attempt to squabble with Action Bronson; he's reaching DMX levels when it comes to being a gentle yet frightening individual.
Wiz Khalifa Could You Hit a Wrestling Move On Wiz Khalifa? Yes Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Leg Drop
A month ago, Wiz Khalifa appeared on Monday Night RAW in his hometown of Pittsburgh. Fans literally held up signs saying he sucks as he performed. He's like Young Thug, tall and lanky, but unlike Young Thug, you know good and damn well he's a lover. Wiz may be so high that you'd bypass security and hit him with a karate chop before he'd even realize it. Even though you shouldn't fight Wiz Khalifa, you probably could.
The Game Could You Hit A Wrestling Move On The Game? Yes Finishing Move He'd Lay You Out With: Heart Punch
The Game is a Blood. He's been in the news not just for knocking out another rapper, not just getting a tattoo to commemorate the issue but also for beating up somebody at a Drew League game in California. So yes, The Game would love to fight you. He'd probably let you attempt to hit him with an RKO. He'd also love to punch you in the damn chest and cave your entire body in. In other words, please don't fight The Game. Just bet him on basketball games and lose your dignity that way.
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