Hello, Creed fans. Listen, it's no secret that Creed isn't exactly Rocks Off's favorite band. Anyone at Rocks Off. In fact, it could be said that we despise them. But wait! Wait, don't go. Creed fans, we're here today not to fight with you, but to inform you, to perform a public service for your benefit and enlightenment.

You see, Creed, unfortunately, have chosen to accompany their musical arrangements with lyrics. These lyrics often have meanings which go beyond what they seem to be saying on the surface. So, in an effort to bridge the gap between you, who loves Creed, and us, who think they are worse than the Black Plague (both the metal band and the disease), we'd like to educate you on some of these hidden meanings so you'll have a deeper understanding of what you'll be singing along to when Creed plays the Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion this Saturday.

Think of us as diplomats, ambassadors and translators all rolled into one, determined to see this undertaking through with tolerance and class.

1. "Ode" (My Own Prison)

Hang me, watch awhile Let me see you smile as I die Take me, as my body burns Let me see you yearn, while I cry

Holy shit, what is he, a 14-year-old Goth girl? By "he," Rocks Off is of course referring to Scott Stapp, who along with Mark Tremonti is credited with all of the band's songwriting (if you want to call it that). Another entry in the popular lazy-angst category of Songs About How Sorry They'll Be When I Kill Myself, "Ode" should be called "Odious," because it stinks.

2. "My Own Prison" (My Own Prison)

I hear a thunder in the distance See a vision of a cross I feel the pain that was given On that sad day of loss

A lion roars in the darkness Only he holds the key A light to free me from my burden And grant me life eternally

Chronologically, "My Own Prison" was Creed's first song to contain vague references to God and/or Jesus, winning them scores of Christian-rock fans without alienating fans of non-Christian (but still shitty) rock. Not only does Stapp allude to Christ, he seems to be alluding to Aslan, a lion who is himself a Christ figure in C.S. Lewis' The Chronicles of Narnia books. That's right: Stapp alludes to a fictional character that alludes to Jesus. That's as distanced as you can get from religion while still pretending to embrace it.

3. "Wash Away Those Years" (Human Clay)

For we have crossed many oceans And we labor in between In life there are many quotients And I hope I find the mean

"Wash Away Those Years" appears to be a song about a girl who has survived some sort of tragedy, so we're sure that someone somewhere has been helped by its message in some way, and to you, Rocks Off says: We're happy you've found any sort of comfort in any form of media to help you deal with your suffering. Yes, even a Creed song.

And truth be told, the lyrics aren't all that bad until near the end, when you get the coupling listed above. A math reference? Really? What does it have to do with anything? Stapp may be referring to finding the meaning, but in math, the mean has nothing to do with meaning. It's the average of a set of numbers.

So he's saying he hopes he finds the average? He's aspiring to mediocrity? Very inspiring. If only Creed had written a song about setting their sights higher, perhaps being taken to a place where blind men see... but as far as we're aware, they never did.

4. "Wrong Way" (Human Clay)

What makes you laugh? What makes you cry? What makes our youth run From the thought that we might die? What makes you bleed?

In order: Everything Louis CK does; those commercials where Sarah McLachlan sings while they show footage of abused animals; a basic existential fear of the unknown vis-à-vis the afterlife; and sharp things, respectively. Thanks for asking, Creed.