Christmas is 22 days away, so you still have time to put in some online orders for delivery. And, coincidentally enough, we're going to bet that whatever holiday album you've been playing for the past few years is starting to get a little stale. You can only enjoy the velvet crooning of Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra for so long, right? Well, good news. We've found some truly unsettling Christmas albums to spice up your holidays. Anyone who sees any of these albums even remotely near your stereo will instantly experience a growing knot of panic deep down in their very gut. Why would we want you to do that to your families and friends? Simple: we like to ruin things. William Hung, Hung for the Holidays One of the many talentless, delusional, overly positive lunatics American Idol has called out of hiding, William Hung is a perfect example of what can happen when you let your child grow up with too much self-esteem. Neil Diamond, The Christmas Album The fireplace in the background, the dimly lit room, and the intimate, cozy space makes us really, really wish Neil would stop affixing us with his bedroom eyes. Stop it, Neil.
Nutcracker 2000 Well, there it is: At long last, we have an answer to the question "What would happen if Batman knocked Bootsy Collins into a vat of chemicals?" The Oak Ridge Boys Christmas No, no, no. Guys, you can't just set up a Christmas tree in your office's reception area and expect people to feel welcome. This album's working title was A Very Sterile Christmas. Twisted Christmas Oh, man, that's so sad. When did Santa Claus get rosacea? That can be a very painful and embarrassing skin disorder. And he's even plugging his ears so he won't have to hear the constant mockery of the children. Poor guy. Thanks, Bob Rivers. You've bummed everyone out.
Kenny G, Miracles Hey, Kenny? If you stop tooting on your clarinet (yeah, right, "tenor sax," it's a fucking clarinet, dude) long enough to take a look around, you'll realize you haven't once again given yourself a lite-jazz migraine. No, Baby Jesus is trying to make your head explode. He's just starting out, but give him a couple minutes. He'll get it. He's Jesus. Christmas on Death Row Okay, well! Moving on... Garth Brooks So, this is a Christmas album, right? And not an album in which Garth Brooks the Heathen Sorcerer calls down the rage of the pagan gods in order to take revenge on the Christians who have usurped the Winter Solstice traditions? Okay, just checking.
John Tesh Never mind, we're not going to say anything bad about John Tesh. Because we're pretty sure he could haul that gargantuan cranium over and head-butt us so hard we'd travel back in time. .38 Special Oh Jesus, .38 Special! What the hell is... you promised us normal ornaments this year! Mannheim Steamroller This may look like a creepy stormy scene, but it's actually fairly uplifting: Thanks to his perfect timing and a team of speedy horses, Marty McFly will now be able to return to 1985.
Christmas at Luke's Sex Shop Luke, you... you don't have a sex shop. You just don't have the money. And thank you for almost, but not quite, showing us your balls. Maybe This Christmas Nothing says "Christmas" like the little fella from Stephen King's Monkey Shines. Clearly someone's head is in that package.
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