Cutout Bin: Really (Really) Bad Beach-Movie Soundtracks

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To celebrate the end of summer (hopefully soon), Cutout Bin brings you a double shot of crappy movie soundtracks from crappy "beach" movies that no one has ever heard of. Enjoy! Various Artists, Beach Balls Original Soundtrack Phoenix Records ("A division of Metal Blade," lol), 1988

BONUS: the above clip of

Beach Balls

' opening credits contains the phrase "the waves are harshing my mellow."

This cover photo has COB imagining the photo shoot. The models arrived late. Their tops were too tight. The light was fading fast. Some intern had to drag an extension cord all the way down the beach from a boardwalk souvenir stand. And, apparently, it would only power one light. "Stand a little closer, ladies... let's knock this thing out, " says the photographer with places to be that night. By the time the back-cover pic was shot, the light is gone, and the ladies' hair is growing increasingly limp. A moment's inattention, and one of the beach balls has blown away. Don't worry, ladies... no one is ever going to see this record. Well, until COB finds it.

Various Artists, Sunburn Original SoundtrackArrival Music, 1979

A giant pair of sunglasses welcomes you to the beach on this cover, and begs the question: if there's only one lens, can you call it a "pair" of sunglasses? Anyway, this movie would be completely forgettable if not for the iconic full zip-front bathing suit of Farrah Fawcett (back then, Fawcett-Majors). Surely more posters of this shot were sold than movie tickets. COB seriously doubts if the Charles-Grodin-in-a-damp-tuxedo posters sold nearly as well. But wait, who is that parachuting in to disrupt Grodin's budding beach romance? Why, it's Art Carney! Just years after his Oscar-winning performance in

Harry and Tonto

, and just a few years away from his non-award winning role as Meat Loaf's father in


(shot in Austin), Carney is clearly here to provide plenty of situational comedy hijinks. How is it that this movie has been forgotten? It's like

Mother, Jugs, and Speed

on the beach, without a black guy or ambulances. Due, no doubt, to Fawcett's untimely death, VHS copies of


are going for $50 on the Internets... somebody buy one and invite Cutout Bin over for the viewing party! We'll bring the cocoa butter.

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