Fluff reality show Dancing With the Stars is (shockingly) in its 11th season, which wraps up with tonight's finale. While browsing this season's "celebrity" dancers - Bristol Palin, Kurt Warner, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, etc. - we couldn't help but fantasize about out ideal musical version of the show.
It's hard to imagine these rockers offstage, let alone bedazzled in tacky spandex, but it sure is entertaining to try.
8. Skeritt Bwoy
The Bronx-based hype-man is perhaps better known as the right-hand-man to Major Lazer, the collaboration of DJs Switch and Diplo. It was his risqué live performance we witnessed at this summer's Pitchfork Festival that first caught our attention. Skeritt Bwoy brought a new meaning to the term "dirty dancing," nearly making us blush with his sexually-charged stage antics.
If there's anyone out there who could make us sit through an episode of this show, it has to be this guy... though his sexed-up moves could make him among the first voted off.
Odds of Winning: 50:1
7. Courtney Love
DWTS' ratings could soar (higher) by simply adding the antics-prone rocker to their roster. Ideally, we'd cast Love straight outta 1993, donning her signature babydoll dress, ripped stockings, and take-no-prisoners attitude. We imagine her outspoken nature and cheeky pottymouth would also make for some entertaining between-dance commentary.
Odds of Winning: 20:1
Designated voice of the "Loser" generation, we love when Beck adds a little shimmy into his sets. The singer, who may at first seem like a stiff, fragile elder behind the mic, shifts into character with surprisingly funky fluidity, showcasing lively dance moves and frequent splits. The combination of his unforeseen dance skill and endearing persona could make Beck a DWTS finalist - in our dream world or in reality.
Odds of Winning: 2:1
While the Berlin-based electro-glam musician basically represents the antithesis of DWTS, we can't help but imagine the colorful angle she'd bring to the show. The performance artist is known for her sexually explicit lyrics and exploration of gender-bending themes. Just imagine the small-talk that hosts Tom Bergeron and bubbly Brooke Burke would have to articulate:
"Peaches, you were recently quoted as saying you had 'hermaphrodite envy.' Can you tell us a little bit about that?"
Odds of Winning: 100:1
4. Marilyn Manson
We'd easily find humor in witnessing Manson's transition from the Darkside to dancing, if only for his certain contrast in skin color to fellow sun-kissed (read: fake-baked) contestants. This season alone, contestants have swayed to the musical stylings of artists like Barry Manilow, Kesha, Kenny Loggins, and Katy Perry.
We struggle to picture this brooding artist, clad in his signature fishnets and creepy white contacts, sashaying to "California Gurls..." but it's a hilariously welcome daydream.
Odds of Winning: 500:1
3. Amanda Palmer
Having essentially crafted the punk-cabaret genre, the Dresden Dolls front woman incorporates her colorful persona and forthright spirit with a dramatic stage act that we surmise might transfer well to reality TV. On Palmer's last tour, she was known to "bind and gag" a Katy Perry look-alike as she sang "I Kissed a Girl," the act was intended as a protest against Proposition 8.
We can only dream about what such a strong personality could bring to an otherwise shallow table.
Odds of Winning: 5:1
2. Flavor Flav
Sure, Flav is a little busy these days, what with his most recent professional undertaking as vodka and fried-chicken entrepreneur. But the Le Flav Spirits prez and onetime Public Enemy rapper is no stranger to the reality show circuit; he's appeared on numerous VH1 series (The Surreal Life, Strange Love and Flavor of Love, to name a few), not to mention snagging a guest-host spot on WWE RAW.
He clearly has the reality résumé, not to mention the flair (we can't imagine he'd show up to set without his signature clock necklace), making him an eligible musician contestant.
Odds of Winning: 80:1
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1. Ozzy Osbourne
Just the thought of seeing the Prince of Darkness clad in fluorescent spandex has us in stitches. Ozzy can barely stand steadily on his own two feet, let alone pirouette on a dance floor. While we can't exactly picture Ozzy trading in his heavy metal ways for the lifestyle of a competitive dancer, he isn't necessarily a stranger to the show - its audience, at least - as his daughter Kelly appeared as a contestant on its 9th season. Ozzy was often spotted in the audience, enthusiastically cheering.
Crazy, but that's how it goes.
Odds of Winning: 100:1