While all of you are waiting breathlessly for a mediocre dance-pop album from your favorite glitter- and Cheeto-dusted “starlet,” none of you seem to care that the world’s first right-wing screamo-metal album hits shelves today.
I finagled an advance copy of the new self-titled Avenged Sevenfold record. No, it wasn’t from the Houston Press music office. Why? Because we are hip as shit and still listening to all those Joy Division reissues. I took it upon myself to check out this muscled-out G’N’R, but I couldn’t get past the first track.
I didn’t realize these guys were Sean Hannity’s house band. The first song, “Critical Acclaim” is like listening to conservative talk radio set to a Pantera beat circa Far Beyond Driven. Check this out:
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So how does it feel to know that someone’s kid in the heart of America Has blood on their hands, fighting to defend your rights So you can maintain the lifestyle that insults this family's existence Well, where I'm from we have a special salute we wave high in the air Towards all those pompous asses who spend their days pointing fingers
I’m used to hearing this garbage driving home from work, coming from a Bubba stuck on 290 with a double-sided axe to grind in his 2007 Earnhardt-festooned Chevy Hypocrite.
Rock and Roll is dead. Long live Rush and Roll. Between this and Britney, I’ll take fallen MILFs and low-rent hair extensions. This video makes me want to slice all my tattoos off my arms with a cheese grater so I don’t look in the mirror and become reminded of this band. – Craig Hlavaty