Drenched In Blog: Being Thankful for JFK Conspiracy Theories

Not only is tomorrow the day before Black Friday, the retail apocalypse, it’s also the 44th anniversary of JFK’s assassination. Yes, it was November 22, 1963, a sunny day in Dallas, when about a million conspiracy theories were born. Some involve the Mafia, the Cubans, the Russians, the military-industrial complex (my personal favorite) and aliens from the planet Tremulon using ray guns, ice bullets and Secret Service operatives to bring down Camelot.

All of us crackpots honor this day in different ways. I myself am forgoing the warm comfort of a family meal on Thursday to argue with bunch of old men on the Grassy Knoll. This will be my third straight trip.

A few months back I found this MySpace profile. It’s a guy from Italy who actually resembles Lee Harvey Oswald. Dario Licciardi records ambient tracks that he sets to footage shot on the day of the assassination. He seems like a cool dude. We should all chip in for him to come to Texas sometime so he can visit Dealey Plaza, sort of like a batshit loonball exchange program.

But we gotta make sure he stays away from our chicks. I’ve seen The Lizzie McGuire Movie enough times to know that women are no match for suave Italians with scooters and Lira to burn. Damn you, Paolo. Damn you to hell.

Here’s one of his videos. And remember, it wasn’t Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone that day. It was a triangular shooting, with three separate shooters. The assassination was engineered by the military-industrial complex to keep us in Vietnam, for war profiteers. – Craig Hlavaty

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