Yesterday, hard-nosed news outlet Entertainment Tonight announced Miley Cyrus has legally changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus. It's been almost two decades since father Billy Ray hit the scene with his one-hit-wonder classic “Achy Breaky Heart.” No better time to capitalize on such a landmark societal shift than right in the beginning of your Britneyesque career, Miley. Way to remind people where you literally came from: the sweaty, acid-washed loins of a mulleted Kentucky lothario.
I hate posting anything related to Cyrus, because she poses like a middle-age cougar prowling the Hop in Clear Lake on a Friday night. It makes me look like even more of a lecherous goon. But this has to be the most backwards bit of career planning ever.
Too bad Adolf Hitler never had any kids to capitalize on the ol' family moniker. Not that I'm comparing Hitler to the singer of 1992’s second-most grating song. (Take a bow, Snap's "Rhythm is a Dancer.") But you know Hitler's kids would have probably done some really jammy Krautrock thing, or been all proto-electro like Kraftwerk. I'm just saying… they would have been German.
Don't worry, that screaming Japanese lady is really a screaming Japanese man. – Craig Hlavaty
