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Egypt Central: The Anthem of Hate Day

It's a well-known fact that most band names are essentially gobbledygook, but here at Rocks Off we're trying hard to find meaning in the oddest monikers.

It's a good thing Egypt Central caught us in a violent rage because we're pretty sure that's how their music is supposed to be heard. Your Name Gamester has been working two jobs seven days a week from 8:00 a.m. to midnight and we've finally started seeing vision of the devil. The upside is hallucinations are cheaper than wine, so that frees up some scratch. The downside is that we're very irritable. Hell, we told our toddler she needed to practice more after she showed us a picture she colored.

That's where we were mentally when we started listening to Egypt Central. On a serene day, we'd have taken this opportunity to see how many way we could refer to their hard rock style as lame in pun form until our word processor committed suicide. Who names a song "Kick Ass?" Honestly.

But on Hate Day it was just what we needed.

We needed someone to yell at us to get up and headbutt the world in its nutsack until it quick fucking with us. We needed to feel like we were heading to a WWE ring to claim the title belt. We needed to have the perfect soundtrack to look Microsoft dead in the diode and say, "Fuck you! Headbutt and nutsack are words and if you quit giving us a hard time about it we're going to take that squiggly red line and carve you a new USB port!"

Also, "White Rabbit" is brilliant. They should make kids sing it instead of saying the Pledge of Allegiance.

So even the pissy little Gothic Avenger can get behind a Buzzworthy band once in a while, but that name... Egypt Central? What the hell does that mean? Is this a protest thing? What the hell is the center of Egypt? Is there even a plaque or something to mark the center of Egypt?

We asked bassist Joey Chicago to meet us at the MFAH at the King Tut exhibit. Next to a fabulous pair of golden sandals that the boy king boy-ruled in we probed our name query at him.

"Egypt Central is an idea, an infallible concept that cannot be destroyed. It is the better parts of the members in this band and given a name. We have a greater goal than success, which is true influence. The name comes from a street that runs through Memphis, TN. It serves as a constant reminder to remember where we have come from," said Chicago.

Did you know that some believe that that whole area of the country was visited by ancient Egyptians? It's true. They found traces of cocoa and nicotine in the mummy of a priestess named Henut Taui. The plants were not known in Africa before the voyage of Columbus, leading to a hotly debated theory that maybe the Egyptians had made voyages to the New World.

The trappings of the pharaohs that surrounded us had us wondering mentally through the mysteries of pyramids and some of the more unholy stories of H. P. Lovecraft. Gods... Egypt was the one with the animal-headed gods and the guy they ripped Jesus off from, right? Hell's yes. Who ain't down with Anubis the jackal?

"If you could be an animal headed god, what animal head would you want and of what would you be the ruler," we asked.

"A lion head, something to show a strong heart," he replied. "I guess I would want to control the legalization rules of certain farmable items."

That's pretty accurate with the cocoa found in the mummies. It's believed that cocaine use more likely than ancient Hershey's Kisses. To be fair, we're pretty sure that Chicago meant marijuana, but we don't understand much about drug culture seeing as how all our peers are unanimous in their fear of what will happen if they give us any.

Ancient Egytian mythology also has one of the most bullshit tests of the afterlife in theology. Here's what happens when you die. They take you and put you before a scale. One on half they put a feather. On the other half they put your sins. All of them. That time you spied on your sister in the shower? Yep. That time you told your boss you had a flat tire but really just hit the snooze until the last possible minute? It's there.

If your sins outweighed the feather then they fed you to Ammut the eater of Souls, who were guessing was the fattest god in the pantheon.

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"Hmm...I guess I'll have to find out when I get there," mused Chicago. "I don't think I'll be the one doing the judgment."

Final Definition

Egypt Central (n) 1. The anthem of Hate Day 2. A street in Memphis 3. A lionheaded pot deity.

Egypt Central plays Saturday October 15 at Scout Bar with The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Burn Halo, Seven Circle Sunrise, and A Midnight in Chicago.

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