Marshall Mathers III has certainly enjoyed great success, but it hasn't been easy for the guy. He's had difficulty overcoming addiction and depression, and like many of us, he keeps returning to that one bad relationship over and over again. His latest album, Recovery, has brought him back into the forefront of the hip-hop stage, landing him critical praise and chart success his last few albums lacked.
Since his career trajectory seems to be on the upswing again, Rocks Off took the time to figure out ways Slim Shady could screw things up for himself, in hopes that he will heed our cautionary advice. Don't thank us; vaguely condescending meddling is its own reward.
1. Get Back With Kim: Eminem's relationship with high-school sweetheart Kim Scott has been "rocky," in the same way Courtney Love's career has been "erratic": both words are woefully inadequate to describe the exact nature of the situations they apply to. Married, then divorced, then married again, then divorced again, the couple wound up in court when Kim sued Eminem for slander.
In Kim's defense, Shady did write an awful lot of songs about killing her. Clearly, this is one of those couples where both parties feed into one anothers' bad habits and personality flaws, and reuniting would once again find Eminem losing control.
2. Make an 8 Mile Sequel: Yes, 8 Mile turned out to be a pretty decent flick. The temptation to make a sequel, however, should be avoided. Sequels tend to get hijacked by the movie studios and then ruined by the method of attempting to throw in everything that audiences want regardless of whether or not it makes sense to do so.
Director Curtis Hanson would be fired and replaced by a studio-friendly hack like Michael Bay, Brett Ratner or McG. Brittany Murphy, having sadly passed away, would have her character replaced by Megan Fox's AfroDite, a sexy, sassy female rapper who starts out competing against Eminem but soon realizes she has feelings for him.
Round out the cast with Shia LeBouf as Shady's wisecracking sidekick, Miley Cyrus as Eminem's little sister (who has a crush on LeBouf's character), throw in a shootout that turns into a car chase and have the climactic rap battle take place aboard an attack helicopter during a bank heist, and you've got yourself a bungled disaster in true Hollywood clusterfuck tradition.
3. Get Back on Painkillers: People underestimate the poisonous nature of addiction. Not only could Eminem screw up his comeback by relapsing into his recreational pill-popping habit, he could become addicted again for valid medical reasons, like he did when he got hooked on sleeping pills trying to fight insomnia.
Marshall had better be extra-careful when he's onstage, because one slip, one broken toe or fractured tibia, and he'll be facing the choice of possibly becoming addicted to painkillers again, or healing up with no medication at all. He'd better take care of his teeth, too; imagine needing a root canal yet being afraid that you'll become addicted to whatever the doctor gives you to kill the pain.
Is it even legal to give someone a root canal without anesthetic? We hope not.
4. Meet Mariah Carey in a Darkened Alley: Yeah, Eminem and Mariah have had a long-running feud, and we're pretty sure if she ever bumps into him on the street, she'll stick a knife in his lungs. That bitch crazy.
5. Anything Involving D-12: Yeah, remember these guys? Basically a bunch of Enimem's friends, they formed their own group alongside Shady and managed to get a decent amount of airplay despite being terrible.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
It sullied Eminem by association. We admire Marshall's loyalty to his homies, but he should definitely draw the line at another collaboration, lest they taint him anew.
6. Give Benzino Any Attention At All: Raymond Scott, a.k.a. Benzino, is a below-average rapper who somehow wound up in a position of influence at popular hip-hop magazine The Source. Benzino used the magazine as a vehicle to denigrate Eminem at every opportunity, claiming that Shady was untalented, inauthentic and racist.
The latter accusation seems particularly ironic, since Benzino's assault seems pretty clearly motivated solely by his resentment at the fact that Eminem is white. Still, Eminem rose to Benzino's bait several times, giving the rapper exposure he never would have enjoyed otherwise, since radio and television rightfully refused to jam his shitty songs.
Now that Benzino's been fired from The Source, Eminem no longer has any reason to give him the attention he so desperately craves. Our advice: let Benzino shout in the wind. Nobody's listening.