If you're reading this, you're either on the Internet, or else you've mastered multi-dimensional thought-projection processes that would make Michio Kaku cry like a little girl. We'll assume the former, and just in case you don't already know, the Internet has decided that the word "failure" is too long by three letters. You are now only allowed to say that a failure is, in fact, a "fail," or else you have your Internet license revoked. All caught up? Great! Here are this week's most monumental fails from within the music community. Jeff Beck: Nimbly Adept With a Guitar, Not So Much With Knives: Actually, we're not sure it was a knife; the deed could have been done with a cheese grater or potato peeler or even a SlapChop for all we know, but however it happened, Jeff Beck cut off the tip of his pinky. Damn, Jeff. Slow down, buddy. If you're that hungry, munch on some pita chips while you make the salad. There is, however, a win within the fail, since Beck had the presence of mind to stick the tip of his finger back on in such a way that by the time he got to the hospital, it had already begun to reattach. Not only that, but he recorded his new album without the use of that finger. Not too shabby, but all the same, it could be time to hire a chef, or at least play some Tetris and get that hand-eye coordination up to par. JoBro Making Solo Album Unfettered By Extraneous Jonas Brothers: We're not fans of the clean-cut, promise-ring-hawking Disney-rock genre, so you can't blame us for not being altogether fond of the Jonas Brothers in the first place, but if they're going to start splitting off into side projects and releasing even more crap in addition to their family's family fare, we may have to do something about it. A protest, maybe? A letter-writing campaign? We're not entirely sure yet, but we know we're not alone, and it's time our voices were heard. Joe Jonas recently announced that he intends to release a solo album as soon as he can clear some room in the band's busy schedule, and although it's possible he'll be taking this opportunity to explore experimental new soundscapes free of the restrictive expectations that weigh him down as one of the JoBros, it seems kind of unlikely, doesn't it? Sure, there's a slim chance that the Jonas Brothers are the Sugarcubes and Joe is the next Bjork, but you won't hold it against us if we don't lay money down on that, will you? Lilith Fair's Ticket Sales are "Soft," Like Its Lavender-Scented Body Pillow: Remember Lilith Fair from the 90's? A gyno-centric festival meant to celebrate female performers and all their mystical, majestic womynhood? Well, apparently there's not much of a market for that stuff anymore, because sales so far are decidedly lackluster. Even tour founder Sarah Maclachlan seems a little bit worried, attempting to lower general-admission prices even further than their already quite affordable $25 cost. As a dyed-in-the-wool sexist smartass, we'd love to make some kind of clever crack at the festival's expense, but really, $25 is not that much to pay to see Beth Orton, Metric, Emmylou Harris, Corinne Bailey Rae, Kate Nash, Janelle Monae, and Loretta honest-to-God Lynn, not to mention the fact that the Bangles and the Go-Go's will be together at last. Come on, guys. Get that dance-hall rat out of bed tomorrow morning, put some clean clothes on her, give her something for her hangover, and take her to get tickets. It didn't all used to be electro-pop songs about poker faces and tick-tocks. There used to be guitars, god damn it. Austin City Limits Looks Amazing This Year! Oh Wait: Rocks Off started sounding like a cranky old fogey towards the tail end of that previous entry, so let us clarify: We're not opposed to club-friendly dance songs on principle, we just like a little bit of variety. Well, usually. Variety is certainly a strong suit of this year's Austin City Limits music festival. They've got The National, M.I.A., Spoon, LCD Soundsystem, The Mountain Goats, Robert Randolph & the Family Band... aww, they even threw in Miike Snow for all you kids who love chillwave to death right now but will be absolutely sick of it by October. Pretty impressive line-up, right? Come on, The National had the third best-selling album on Billboard this week, that's pretty big; how are they gonna get headliners who can top that? Luckily for The National, they didn't. Instead, they went with acts that your dad and your tries-really-hard uncle are into. Your uncle is going to bombard you with stats on how awesome Phish are and how they can jam almost exactly like the Dead, man, and your dad is just going to go nuts over The Eagles. Yup, ACL chose to crown its admittedly superb lineup with the band who invented the genre of adult contemporary. Don Henley & Company's lazy, stoner-friendly West Coast snooze-rock will take the edge off of those kids coming out of the Gogol Bordello tent so hard, they'll be lucky if they don't keel over in the dirt, victims of instant AM-radio comas. Nice job, ACL. We hope they open with "Hotel California." Win of the Week: Didn't know who Janelle Monae was when we mentioned her earlier? Watch her rip it up on Tuesday's Late Show with David Letterman. This lady, who opens for Erykah Badu at Verizon next month, deserves to be the Next Big Thing based on that performance alone.
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