FAIL: Morrissey, Scott Weiland, Whitesnake, Conspiracy Theorists

Morrissey Loves Animals So Much It Makes Him Racist: Morrissey has been one of the biggest ambiguously snarky pussies in all of rock music for some years now, popular among 15-year-old bisexuals of all races and creeds.

Sometimes, however, the former Smiths frontman likes to make a straightforward statement filled with such insanity, it gets picked up and repeated by multiple news outlets and winds up carrying enough attention-grabbing power to, oh, we don't know, promote an album or something. The most recent example of this is his comments to The Guardian, a UK newspaper that took time out from following Liam Gallagher and Amy Winehouse around to interview the pompadoured 51-year-old.

Regarding China's record of animal rights, Morrissey said "Did you see the thing on the news about their treatment of animals and animal welfare? Absolutely horrific. You can't help but feel that the Chinese are a subspecies." Hey hey! That's kind of a logical leap there, Morrissey. We were in full agreement with you right up to just after the word "horrific."

Fails loves our pets as much as anyone else, but you're not going to catch us blaming a culture's apparent disregard for animal rights as evidence of genetic inferiority. It doesn't make any sense. The rights of animals are the last thing Chinese people need to worry about from day to day, first and foremost of course being "Have I done, said, or looked at anything today that would make my terrifying ghost government kidnap and execute me?"

When all of your mental and emotional capacity is constantly being exerted trying to avoid becoming a human rights statistic, it's reasonable to assume you may not have the capability to then worry about how your food is prepared. So don't be racist, Morrissey. The Chinese are simply victims of their government just like the rest of us... only more so.

Scott Weiland to Butcher Christmas, As So Many Hacks Before Him: It's no secret that the annual celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ has inspired all manner of hacks within the music industry to release deplorable mutilations of Christmas music in the past, and now the biggest hack of them all will be carving up some Yuletide tunes for us to cringe at. Scott Weiland, whom revisionist rock historians have somehow painted as something other than a talentless rip-off artist, has decided to release an album of Christmas music.

In the immortal words of Norm MacDonald: "Happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap!"

We're sure the album will contain a song where Weiland sings just like Bing Crosby, and then a song where he sings just like Nat King Cole, and then a song where he sings just like Elvis, and so on for ten to fifteen excruciating tracks. Weiland truly is the Frank Caliendo of rock singers.

Nothing Says "Rock and Roll" Like a Cheeky White Zin: What is it with rock stars getting into the wine business? Wine is good to drink sometimes, but getting involved in the whole wine culture is just the least rock 'n' roll thing you can do. Wine enthusiasts get the vapors if exposed to anything that rocks harder than John Denver, and frankly we don't care to know anyone who spends more on cheese than they do on music.

Now living their own version of Sideways, victims of cultural amnesia Whitesnake are struggling for relevance by releasing their own wine, which they describe as "a bodacious, cheeky little wine, filled to the brim with the spicy essence of sexy, slippery Snakeyness." Oh shut the fuck up. Stop trying to make whatever you're whoring "rock" and just be honest. "We've got nothing going on, so here's some wine, now buy it, you assholes."

There, was that so hard? Christ, it was bad enough when Maynard James Keenan got involved in this nonsense. We shudder to think who might be next, although we do think there might be a solid market for a Tom Waits version of Night Train or perhaps a David Allen Coe Pruno-in-a-box. Never mind, we're totally into this now.

Idiots Still Think Paul Is Dead; Next They'll Go After George and John: Did Paul McCartney die in 1966 and get replaced by a lookalike? Of course not, you moron, he wrote some of his best work after 1966, but that and multitude other facts are ignored in the new documentary Paul McCartney Really Is Dead: The Last Testament of George Harrison, which promises to include audio of George Harrison (or someone with a Liverpudlian accent, at least) mumbling about how Paul was dead all along.

Never trust a conspiracy theorist. They write their own fan fiction for reality. If something is remotely possible under the confluence of various near-impossible, convoluted and coincidental events, then it for sure happened, unless of course there is a single shred of solid proof, in which case it's all lies you're being told in order to hide the real truth, which we'll tell you just as soon as we've finished smoking this monster bowl.

This documentary is going to make the famous 9/11-themed lie-fest Loose Change look like The Thin Blue Line.

Win of the Week: Jack White is producing another album for another country veteran, this time Wanda Jackson.

Awe. Some.

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