The Emptiest Tour of the Summer: This week we learned that Rihanna and Ke$ha will be touring together this summer, bringing their generic earworm dance-pop to 25 different venues. Of course the real stars will be Auto-tune and ProTools, both of which sadly arrived too late to save Milli Vanilli, but which are the newest production methods available for squeezing every last ounce of humanity out of music until every artist sounds exactly like every other artist. We think all of the Auto-tune-addicted pop artists should be rounded up into one supergroup called The Nterchangeables, and forced to wear masks and perform in silhouette only. Then their fans can write in and guess who performs on each song, and the first person to correctly attribute all of the songs on the first album will receive one million free downloads, but only for songs featuring real instruments played by real people. We know, it seems old-fashioned of us, but we suspect the computers used to make this hypnotically formulaic music are starting to slip hidden messages to you guys via inaudible code embedded in each mp3. That is currently the only explanation we buy for the continued popularity of Dancing With the Stars.

Springsteen's Mistress No Longer Possesses Spark With Which to Start Fire: You just can't trust anybody anymore, can you, ladies? As the world continues to be astounded by the revelation that any man with any kind of drive tends to have his penis at the wheel, the shenanigans of another revered star have come to light. Yes, Bruce Springsteen cheated on his wife, and now his mistress is divorcing her husband. It's probably for the best; we don't know how hubby is supposed to compete with The Boss. Marital relations just wouldn't be the same once you'd been with a man who could thoroughly moisten your panties simply by softly singing the first few lines of "I'm on Fire" in your ear while you were on the treadmill. We really feel sorry for the kids. Not only are they having to suffer through the pain of a divorce, but they'll never be able to enjoy "Born in the U.S.A." or "Glory Days" without thinking of the man who fucked their parents apart. Maybe they can get into Dire Straits instead? Oh, who are we kidding, nobody is into Dire Straits.

Win of the Week: Epitaph is releasing a deluxe version of possibly the greatest hardcore album of all time, The Refused's The Shape of Punk to Come. Perfect for planning your party program.