"Farting & Whistling Man" Upstages Dead Weather

No good libido-draining show could go off without a hitch in Houston, that's for damned sure. Just as the Mona Lisa is slowly falling apart and the world will implode in 2012 if Obama gets reelected, you cannot go to a concert of any shape and size here without being inundated by brain donors and those seemingly raised by meth-addicted wolves.

Yes, Saturday night was a lusty and bountiful evening of witchy rock and roll with The Dead Weather. Lead singer Alison Mosshart fogged up the place all night with her mama growls, and Jack White sat in the back on drums pounding out perversion. But what we will always remember from the show isn't just what came from the stage, but what came from the two principal orifices belonging to the gentleman on our right.

Henceforth, he shall only be known as The Farting & Whistling Man.

For the entire duration of the show, our middle-aged neighbor at the packed House of Blues let forth a torrent of flatulence and Ric Flair-style "Whoo!"-ing, the likes of which we hope to never smell or hear again. With him were two younger women who got into a small fistfight at the beginning of the show, but were soon making out in front of him - and with him - after they returned to their spots in the crowd.

Our friend Hala is of short stature, so she got the brunt of this man's odorous emissions, with Rocks Off getting the piercing howls in our ear. He squealed and expelled gas in the middle of slow-burning breakdowns, ripping all otherwise-riveting moments to farty shreds. A friend from local punk band American Heist stood nearby, his anger burning quietly.

When F&W Man would howl he would rear back until his back was nearly perpendicular to the floor and you see up his nose. Poor Hala was almost coming face to face with him at least every two minutes. She would move, and he would somehow find a way to fart closer to her. It was very much as if he had a government grant to repel people.

The one time we did tell him to quiet down he just gave us the finger quickly and kept screaming, so we just shrugged and kept watching the show. What can you do to bring down the Farting & Whistling Man that hasn't already been tried?

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Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty