You are a human and you have eyeballs and you also have the Internet, so you've likely read some things. That's sort of what this is, except sort of not too.
We went through a ton of headlines of hip-hop "stories" from the past week, picked out the most egregious one, pasted them below, then added a bit to them. The big, bold stuff are the actual headlines, anything preceded with a ... is what should've been added to it, and everything else is just good ol' fashioned commentary. You'll get the hang of it fairly quickly, for certain.
Trey Songz "Chapter V" Tracklist & Cover Art
I didn't figure Songz could get more self-involved than the cover of 2009's Ready, but then he released this. The only worse than one Trey Songz is five of those sexy motherfuckers. No vagina is safe.
Crooked I Says Slaughterhouse Will Elevate Hip Hop, Speaks On Recording
Could have, sure. But then they put out "My Life" and everyone else stopped saying that. Goodness gracious.
50 Cent Speaks On Chief Keef, Says Diddy's Dirty Money LP Was "Garbage"
...ignores own discography from last seven years.
Future Reveals Work With Kanye West And Diplo, Weighs In On Drake And Pusha T
Nobody's giving two fucks at THE SAME DAMN TIME.
Booking Agency Dismisses $630,000 Lawsuit Against DMX
...in return, DMX stops leaving carcasses at booking agency's doorstep.
Bubba Sparxxx Owes Nearly $30,000 In Taxes
Maybe he can raise the money by selling those two extra Xs?
Iggy Azalea Speaks On Choosing Grand Hustle Over Interscope, Hip Hop In Australia & More
Wait. SHE WAS BEING SERIOUS? Iggy Azalea is actually a real life rapper in real life. OHJESUSCHRIST. Thanks, Kreayshawn.
NBA's Tony Parker Sues W.i.P. Nightclub For $20 Million Over Drake & Chris Brown Fight
Here's how that case should go:
Parker: Your honor, I'm suing a club because Drake and Chris Brown got into a fight inside of it, during which bottles were thrown, during which they broke, during which I got glass in my eyeball.
Judge: Wow. Quite a story. Unfortunately, the legal system is all out of fucks, so I can't give one to you.
Justin Bieber Raps Lines From The Notorious B.I.G. & Tupac On Hot 97
...B.I.G. and Tupac resurrect themselves, hear it, immediately ask passersby to murder them again.
Pusha T Says He Has Most "Intricate" Verse On "Mercy"
But what does Pusha T have to say about those braids of his, because holy shit cut them off already. That hasn't been the look for ten years now.
LL Cool J Announces New Album, My Connect Studio Software
Yeah, sure, but what about those sharks?
Snoop Dogg & Wiz Khalifa "Mac and Devin Go To High School" Film Trailer
"It's going to be a great movie," says no one on the planet, not even Snoop or Wiz.
Flavor Flav Avoids Jail Time By Paying $25,000 To Mother Of His Three Children
I'm not the only surprised that this guy is still alive, right? I mean, he's looked like a death goblin for the last nine years.
Lil Wayne & Young Money Reportedly Want Chris Brown & Drake To End Feud
...sends box of adorable kittens over as an amends.
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Rihanna To Star In DreamWorks Animation's "Happy Smekday!"
Twitter will fold over onto itself with corny "Happy Smackday" jokes.