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Five Appropriately Profound Weird Al Haikus

Some of us are counting the days until Weird Al Yankovic receives his much-deserved Presidential Medal of Freedom or Kennedy Center award, whichever comes with a gold-plated accordion. Until that happens we'll have to make do with Mandatory Fun, his astounding 13th album that is in stores and online today.

If it were suddenly necessary to debrief an unfrozen caveman lawyer or time-traveler from the future, all that would be necessary to catch that person (or alien) up on pop would be to play him or her (or it) the latest Weird Al record. The man is relevant. He's back wading through the soup of selfies, sequined crocs and twerking at the DMV in the brilliantly shameless "Tacky," his send-up of a certain inescapable Pharrell hit.

If the leaders of Iran didn't like the way those six young people danced in that "Happy" video that got them arrested back in May, that they're really going to hate the way Weird Al gets down with friends like Margaret Cho, 30 Rock's Kristen Schaal, Modern Family's Eric Stonestreet and Jack Black in this one.

Anyhow, when we were supposed to be doing something else Monday, Rocks Off began a mental exercise attempting to summarize some of Weird Al's previous hits using haiku, that ancient form of Japanese poetry known for its brevity and deep-seated wisdom. Swear to God, it took us less than half an hour to come up with these five; we may be in the wrong line of work.

"Eat It" King of Pop plus Al Food orgy before truck craze Show them you're funky.

"I Want a New Duck" Skinny ties, quack quack Huey Lewis and the News Couldn't measure up.

"Like a Surgeon" Material Girl Just hopped on the money train Incisive satire.

More poetic genius on the next page.

"Smells Like Nirvana"

WTF is grunge? Flannel and greasy rockers Entertain us, Al.

"White & Nerdy" Hey Chamillionaire Where's your pocket protector? You see me rollin'.

Tip your bartenders please.

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