WTF Island

Five Artists That Make Deadlier Weapons Than Creed

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Limp Bizkit: Remember when there was a world in which frat-boy jocks listened to their idiotic party rap and their Top 40 pop and left the rockin' to the folks who actually cared about music? Well, Limp Bizkit changed all that.

With their moronic, sub-literate combination of barely competent rap-metal and juvenile misogyny, no other band was as big a crossover success among douchebags from all walks of life. Even Fred Durst got tired of being Fred Durst, and now spends most of his time being super-nice on Twitter.

Agony Rating: A solid 8 out of 10 against foes with any taste; however, if you're being attacked by douchebags, you're screwed, as this will only fire them up and further their desire to - quote - "break stuff."

Ke(Dollar Sign)ha: So much has been said about the disaster that is Ke(Dollar Sign)ha that we now almost feel remorse to pile on some more, but here goes: Ke(Dollar Sign)ha is a symptom of a massive global illness. If you sang courtroom transcripts over a metronome, you would be putting more passion and effort into your music than she does.

If "Auto-Tuned gutter skank-pop" sounds like something you'd enjoy, then we'd like to urge you to go ahead and enter rehab and get clean, for your own sake. Ke(Dollar Sign)ha is what herpes sounds like.

Agony Rating: 10 out of 10. We'd rather be waterboarded to sleep every night for a year than listen to one Ke(Dollar Sign)ha album all the way through just once.

Deerhoof: These indie-rock darlings are not untalented. Their songwriting is very good, and their sound is original and creative. So why are they on this list? Simple: the shrill, ear-splitting wail of singer Satomi Matsuzaki.

Rarely have we been as disappointed as the first time, years ago, when we fired up a Deerhoof album - 2007's Friend Opportunity - nodded along to amazing drummer Greg Saunier's pounding drumbeat, tapped our fingers to the dissonant yet catchy riff, and then, through the course of that first song, slowly and sadly realized "We're not going to be able to listen to this girl's voice for an entire album."

It made us depressed. We really want to like Deerhoof. Three out of the four of them are fantastic musicians, and hell, we'll even give Matsuzaki credit for some mean bass playing. But that voice... it burns us. Burnsssss.

Agony Rating: Varies wildly. Many animals can comfortably listen to non-human registers; they will have no problem enduring Matsuzaki's voice. For the rest of us, probably about a 7 out of 10. Deerhoof are more of a warning shot, really, before you break out the big guns.

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John Seaborn Gray