Five Great Uses Of Music As A Weapon

Ed. Note: Jef With One F does not distinguish fiction from reality from video games. We let it slide because he accepts checks from the "Bank of Mordor"... we just hope it's not rubbing off on us.

Music is a weapon. That's what angry political bands will tell you. They'll bend your ear-piercing for hours on how the right song can fight the good fight better than fundraising, letters to senators or representatives, or, you know, anything that actually sounds like work.

Here's the thing though, in some case music can be an effective weapon. It can intimidate, coerce, and outright destroy if used in the proper manner. Since we're constitutionally guaranteed the right to bear arms, we've decided to help the American people by showing them how they can make music their weapon of choice through a brief tour of how it's been done in the past.

Metallica and Barney Fight the War on Terror

There's been a lot of talk lately on just how torturous the U.S. should get on our captured enemies when we want to be illuminated on their buddies' activities. This debate has been exacerbated by different camps claiming that enhanced interrogation techniques either led directly to Osama Bin Laden's new role as shark bait, or yielded no useful information.

Rocks Off takes no stand on the issue; however, we do know for a fact that waterboarding was not the only thing we used. In 2003 army officials stationed in Baghdad revealed that one of the techniques used was to blast culturally offensive music at prisoners at full volume. What offends a terrorist? Metallica's "Enter Sandman" and the music from the children's television show Barney and Friends.

Surprisingly, Metallica did the most damage, proving that terrorists may really just have a problem recognizing evil when they come in contact with it.

This is My Rifle, This is My Fully Automatic CD Launcher

This one's for shooting, and this one's for shooting too. (Sorry, nothing rhymes with "launcher.") Remember when the New Order Nation led by Mistress Helga kidnapped Aerosmith and only a fully automatic CD launcher saved 'Merica as we know it? No? How about when Pinhead almost wiped out a city using a cenobite armed with a CD launcher? Geez, you guys really need to keep up on current events.

Now that music is moving into a completely digital format, there must be something you can do with all your old discs. Well, if you've got some time on your hands and a whole lot of Legos, then you too can build a music-powered weapon of doom. That's what YouTube user Rybocor did. Granted, he's not exactly blowing up helicopters with it, but let a couple of shady arms manufacturers drops some money on the guy and we bet it will just be a matter of time before a CD-themed supervillain is robbing banks with his disc cannon.

Rob Zombie: Paparazzi Repellent

In 1998, superstar singer Barbra Streisand married actor James Brolin. This was her second marriage, and Streisand was keen on keeping out swarms of photographers from the ceremony. She accomplished this by having a van stalk the media encampments around her Malibu mansion while playing White Zombie's "Thunder Kiss '65" at ear-splitting volume.

When Rob Zombie heard about the incident he was thrilled. "Hopefully she'll use a track from Hellbilly Deluxe to ward off meddling paparazzi at her divorce hearing," he said when asked how he felt about it. Streisand and Brolin are still married, but it's nice to that Zombie keeps making music appropriate for the split should it ever happen.

The Manchurian Candidate: The Soundtrack

One of our favorite episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer involved the vampire Spike being made to kill people through a hypnotic suggestion triggered by the English folk song "Early One Morning." Whenever he heard the song, the whole angsty, tortured monster thing was dropped like it was hot and Spike made with the blood feast.

Among our other skills, Rocks Off is a trained hypnotist, and we're always careful to tell clients that this kind of magic trick does not work... except that it actually might. If you spent months with someone in isolation, constantly hammering a specific trigger home to them without ever letting them catch a breath or think or communicate with the outside world, then yeah, you could use a suggestion as a catalyst to all kinds of behavior.

The reason that no one does this is because the amount of time and total isolation needed to accomplish this is usually just not worth the effort. That same amount of time could be spent on much more reliable methods. Then again, the actions of Charles Manson's followers are a pretty clear-cut case of this kind of hypnotic brainwashing. He was a musician, too.

The Band Says, "You're a Sith, Jerk!"

King Abdullah one of the world's wealthiest monarchs, and is the absolute ruler of Saudi Arabia. He's also one of the most criticized world leaders. Parade magazine labeled him the second worst dictator in the world in 2003, which is double insulting because it implies that he's not even good at totalitarianism.

He went to visit England in 2007, and the Queen's Royal Guards were tapped to play some band music for the king. The band, eager to let Abdullah know just what their opinion was, decided that the tune would be the "Imperial March" from The Empire Strikes Back.

Apparently Abdullah didn't notice that he was being compared to Darth Vader... or worse, maybe he did notice and he thinks it's great. Yeah, this one might have backfired pretty bad.

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