In case you haven't seen it yet, the Foo Fighters' rider for their upcoming tour (still no Houston show) in support of their fantastic album Wasting Light is the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best the best darn tour rider we've ever seen. It's part coloring book, part real rider with smartassed running commentary, part... oh hell, just look at it.
Just in case you didn't know, a tour "rider" is a list of requirements sent to each venue a band or performer will be playing, to ensure they will have a satisfactory backstage experience. They usually say things like "20 bottles of natural spring water, chilled, non-Evian and non-Dasani" or "3 pints hummus dip, made with genuine, organic chickpeas and seasoned with sumac, not paprika, GOD HELP YOU if we taste paprika," because eating only the freshest, most choice fruits and vegetables in between monstrous lines of cocaine is vital to every rock star's health.
So the Foo Fighters are actually trying - and succeeding - at amusing those who read their tour rider, but we have to wonder: Who else might have a tour rider worth a giggle or two? Read on for the completely non-fictional answers...
- Materials for making plasticene, papier mache, collagen, and rubber. Sculpting foam is always appreciated.
- 140 yards of treated latex.
- Ten hummingbird feeders filled with cran-apple smoothie, to be hung at even intervals throughout the dressing rooms.
- No fewer than three fully functioning flamethrowers. More would be better.
- Five iron cauldrons filled with eye shadow.
- One dozen assorted S&M accoutrements (whips, chains, flails, and the like).
- One hundred Slinkies. METAL ONLY. If plastic Slinkies are supplied, Gaga will abruptly cancel.
- Robots. As many as you can find. Remote-controlled, motion-activated, battery-powered, wind-up, etc. Robots robots robots.
- One coffin-sized light bulb, in case ours breaks.
- At least six Lady Gaga impersonators from a professional celebrity impersonation agency, to be scattered throughout the venue at all times.
MATT & KIM
- 3 beach balls filled with gummi bears. Or gummi worms. Gummi anything, really.
- 20 water guns, the good kind. That means name brand only (Wham-O, Hasbro, etc)!
- 50 x 50 ft pen filled with at least ten snuggly baby animals. Puppies and kittens are always nice, but be creative. Philly got us two red pandas and a Slow Loris. You can bet we rocked extra-hard that night!
- Three dozen jump ropes, just scattered all over the place.
- Fifty gallons of Nickolodeon brand slime.
- Dragonfruit! Dragonfruit everywhere!
- Five Plinko machines and at least one Rube Goldberg-style device. See YouTube for examples!
- Twenty packets of Mad Libs.
- One giant harmonica. At least the size of a piano.
- An area set up for impromptu laser tag sessions. MUST feature obstacles, cover, and at least two "bunkers"!
- Henna for fake tattoos.
- Guitars, like a whole bunch of guitars. No acoustic ones, only electric, yo.
- One gym-quality boxing ring. At least two sparring partners. Must not be taller than five feet and must not exceed 110 pounds.
- Knives and shit.
- Croquet field with a complete custom croquet set, including some gangsta-ass mallets, bitch.
- Access to at least ten jacuzzis.
- One case of Water Lily's Lavender Cream Relaxation Bubble Bath™. That's one CASE, not one BOTTLE, motherfucker!
- Some weights, at least one bench-press. For decoration only.
- Pillows. A shit-ton of real soft, fluffy pillows, son.
- One working gourmet kitchen with chef and sous chef specializing in French pastries, as well as all supplies they require.
- At least five different Spanish Inquisition-style torture devices. Instruction manuals on how to operate each will be appreciated but not necessary.
- Corpse makeup and fake blood. The band doesn't use it, but the roadies love it.
- Also some real blood would be a big help.
- Bats, all over the place. Just leave the rafters unattended for a month or so before the show, they'll colonize.
- Guitar picks made from human bone. NOT ANIMAL BONE. The band will know the difference.
- Big tank of sharks. At least 20,000 gallons, no fewer than four sharks. None of this nurse shark bullshit, either: we want to see TEETH.
- All furniture must be made of black leather with metal studs. It doesn't have to be comfortable. Comfort is not METAL.
- Maybe like a garbage truck full of Maker's Mark or Knob Creek... any whiskey with wooden overtones will do, but for the love of God, there had better be a lot of it.
- Fifty gallons of snake venom, or deadly equivalent (lionfish venom, komodo dragon spit, juiced blue-ringed octopus, etc. are all acceptable).
- One ripe young virgin, female. Homeless or drifter preferred; the fewer people who will come looking for her, the better.
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SHOW ME HOW
- Smelling salts.
- Three syringes, each containing 10ml of adrenaline.
- One ice bath, one hot bath.
- Fully stocked mobile surgery unit.
- At least five ambulances.
- Syrup of ipecac.
- No fewer then twenty (20) saline drips.
- One voodoo shaman well-versed in the reanimation of the recently deceased.