Rocks Off does not go to actual parades because we'll be damned if we'll waste clean pants on something that doesn't involve booze or Harry Potter, but we always make sure to catch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on the teletube.
We are, however, getting a little sick of the traditional balloons. Yay, Snoopy, and all that, but let's harness the power of pop culture and build some idols big enough and balloony enough to make a golden calf crap golden calf crap!
Here's our nominations for inflation.
5. Kanye West: We've recently learned that volunteers handle the balloons with little to no training. In 1997, The Cat in the Hat hit a lamppost and the falling debris knocked a woman into a coma. NYPD decided to deflate the rest of the balloons in a hurry, and the only way they could think to do it was to drag down Barney and the Pink Panther and stab and curb-stomp the air out of them.
Now picture that scene with a Kanye balloon, and join us in Land of Awesome Things.
4. Meat Loaf: Earlier this year, Meat set the bar on shocking sayings pretty damn high when he said his dick was too big for his pants. We figured as long as we were gonna build something huge and inflatable... What? Where are you going? Nobody understands art anymore.
3: Rick Astley: One of our fondest memories is Mr. Astley rickrolling the parade two years ago by actually jumping out of Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends and singing "Never Gonna Give You Up." The only way you could more rickroll an American institution is if you snuck into a mint and changed all the writing on the money to the lyrics to "Never Gonna Give You Up."
Since the lawyers here said we can't suggest that wonderful idea to our readers - even though it would totally make them famous, get them laid, and possibly cure cancer - we came up with another idea.
Picture Garfield floating down the streets of NYC like normal. Then, all of a sudden, he explodes... and out floats the Rick Astley balloon complete with blaring sound system. As a bonus, we can give the Garfield-exploding switch to someone who can prove they actually paid money to see A Tale of Two Kitties. Catharsis, anarchy, surprise, it's like Christmas morning in the V for Vendetta universe!
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2. Prince: Let's give the man one chance in his life to be bigger than the rest of us. Do it for "Darling Nikki!"
1. Lady Gaga: Admit it, you knew there wasn't a rational thought in Glenn Beck's head's chance of this list not including m'lady. Well, you were right, but we don't just want to watch her hover over our heads draped in plastic meat. We want Gaga herself to dangle from a swing hung from her own head and sing down to the masses. We want blood to shoot from the wounds in the tiny Jesus doll the balloon will be cradling against her inflated bosom.
We want hordes of Monarch butterflies released from her ass. We want every streetlight on the parade route replaced with a disco ball, and the Kennedy assassination reenacted below her over and over and over again with mimes dressed as turkeys and a Sarah Palin impersonator as Lee Harvey Oswald. If that doesn't prepare you for spending the day with your family, nothing will.
Jef With One F is the author of The Bible Spelled Backwards Does Not Change the Fact That You Cannot Kill David Arquette and Other Things I Learned In the Black Math Experiment, available now.