Five Spot: Bizzy Bone Should Have Dashed, Ducked or Hid Behind a Tree

Welcome back to Five Spot. Every Friday, we'll examine a recent bit of music news and list five reasons why it's either brilliant or dumb-assed. Send tips to [email protected].

Because the universe has grander plans than either you or we can comprehend, Bizzy Bone, of Bone Thugs-n-Harmony fame, was recently assaulted and robbed by... wait for it.... not quite... almost there... okay, now, an active anti-gang worker.

The poetry behind this is far too powerful to deny. It easily outweighs any physical or mental damage Bizzy may have suffered. Simply brilliant. And because we dare not pass up the opportunity to relive them - on account of Karma's apparently unending pursuit to reel each and every one of us in - after the jump, see five Bone Thugs classics. 

"Thuggish Ruggish Bone"

Ah, yes. Uncomplicated yet incontrovertible, 1994's "Thuggish Ruggish Bone" possessed a supernatural ability to convince every non-black kid that he, in fact, was. At 27, we're still not entirely sure we know what a "Ruggish" is, either. We believe it has something to do with something being carpet-like.

"Tha Crossroads"

This 1996 Eazy-E dedication was easily Bone Thugs' most compelling work, but we still almost left it off the list because in middle school we got into an actual fistfight with a boy named Miguel Tapia over whether or not Layzie Bone was saying "And I'm gonna miss everybody" or "And I'm gonna miss everyLody." At 13, misquotations of Bone Thugs lyrics were a misstep of the highest offense, on par with setting someone's house on fire or molesting their little sister.

"Foe Tha Love of Money"

"Thuggish Ruggish Bone" may have introduced Bone to most of the world, but "Foe Tha Love of Money" confirmed that they were no paper champions. "Creepin on da come up" became an all-too-familiar refrain in our neighborhood after this song. Whether it was applicable to the situation mattered not, so much as you said it and you said it often.

"Mo Murda'"

Was there ever a better song to pretend like you were dark and mysterious and disturbed to impress a girl than "Mo Murda"? After much pestering, we convinced our neighbor Kathleen to come eat dinner at our house one night with our family - which is a far more impressive feat than you realize - and, in an effort to win her heart, sat at the table wearing a beanie and glasses while listening to this over and over again on our headphones. We didn't say two words, we just sat there, fumbling with a clunky Walkman, periodically flipping the tape over to the other side. We were terribly unsuccessful with the ladies.

"1st of da Month"

You know what this song reminds us of? Food stamps. Stupid, stupid food stamps. The convenience store was a few blocks from our house, so we'd occasionally walk there with our friends - you know, just creepin' on da come up - and we'd always pre-empt this activity by asking our mother for a dollar.

She'd dig in her purse than, because our large, egg-shaped head and ill fitting jeans weren't enough, she'd hand us a crinkled up, brown $1 food stamp. Have you ever tried to pay for a pickle and Chinese candy with a food stamp while in the compassionate company of a group of sixth graders? Man. Welfare was not the shit.

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Shea Serrano