Five Spot: Greeting 2009 Z-Ro Style

Welcome back to The Five Spot. Every Friday, we'll examine a recent bit of music news and list five reasons why it's either brilliant or dumb-assed. Send tips to [email protected].

Just because you probably missed it, we'd like to take a second to bring to your attention that 2008 is over. Crazy, right? It seems like only 365 days ago the year was just getting started. While 2008 brought us a ton of good things, we're already deeming 2009's arrival to be Brilliant.

And simply because he was the city's best this year, here are Z-Ro's five most played songs of the year (per our music library). Should you be compelled to disagree with the quality of any part of this list, we will punch you in the head on sight. Jussayin'.

1. "Mo City Don Freestyle": Without hyperbole, the four minutes of blistering, breathy fury that is "Mo City Don Freestyle" are collectively the most important happening of the 21st century. The Internet was invented just so you could download it. The song is messianic; you'd be forgiven for admitting that you've prayed to it before.

2. "Too Many Niggas": It's a strange dichotomy, "Too Many Niggas." Straight-up chic R&B campy foreplay identify the musicianship, contradicting the tenacity of Z-Ro's fuming flow. Accordingly, we heard if you play this song while your girlfriend is sleeping she'll get pregnant. Then she'll wake up and stab herself. Word up.

3. "T.H.U.G.": Remember how everyone was going all crazy during the Olympics when Michael Phelps revealed that he was listening to Jeezy and Lil' Wayne on his iPod prior to swim meets? It's rumored that Joel Osteen listens to this right before he delivers the word each Sunday. We're quite certain this is the song that plays all day, every day in Heaven.

4. "Respect My Mind": Hearing Z-Ro tell people to respect his mind is like hearing Ron Jeremy telling people to respect his feet. All things considered, we think we'll respect that gigantic gun he's no doubt carrying around instead. Thanks.

5. "Call My Phone": No matter our campaigning, our wife never thinks it clever of us to answer our phone with Ro's opening line, "Bitch, you ain't gotta call my phone." Nor does she think it funny to defense our inaccuracies with the proclamation "I'm young, black and I'm rich." We'll never understand women. - Shea Serrano

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Shea Serrano