Five Spot: Smoove Up In Ya

Welcome back to Five Spot. Every Friday, we'll examine a recent bit of music news and list five reasons why it's either brilliant or dumb-assed. Send tips to [email protected].

Michael Keith, formerly one-fourth of R&B man-band 112, has released a solo album. (He's not the guy that you're thinking of, that's Slim. And Slim rocks tits.) We don't plan on buying Keith's album because we were never particularly attached to him - matter of fact, after "Peaches and Cream" was released, we spent the entire summer of 2003 hating 112 in their entirety.

We mention this bit of news solely because we wanted to call back our interview with R&B artist Coline. Because we wanted a reason to post five old R&B videos. Because we've been watching them hardcore for the past two days via Youtube.

So, to recap, Michael Keith's solo album gets a tangential "Brilliant" rating, and we get to post some R&B videos we otherwise wouldn't have; everyone's a winner. With respect to Montell Jordan, Bel, Biv and Devoe, Tyrese, Usher, Ultimate Kaos, Whitehead Brothers, Boyz II Men, Lynden David Hall and Color Me Badd, these were the first five that came to mind.

112, "Cupid": You know what we've come to notice this past week: you didn't have to have perfect teeth to be sexy in the 90's. That's near impossible nowadays. It was a simpler time, we suppose. Slim's teeth look like they're all fighting with each other, but we're completely mesmerized by him. (Note: Slim seems aware of this as well, as his smile in this more recent picture is considerably less effed up.) 

Az Yet, "Last Night": This looks like it was made on that green screen at the Houston Children's Museum. We remember hearing about how Michael Jackson's "Scream" video was the most expensive ever made, costing something like $7 million to make. We couldn't find exact figures, but we're quite certain this one finished a close second.

Shai, "If I Ever Fall In Love": Nine words capture our feelings watching this: What the fuck is going on in this video? We're pretty good about picking up on thematic intentions or artistic undertones, but we've got nothing here. A lady mopping who periodically breaks into body rolls? A guy with his shirt off? Dust? The beach? We're lost.

Quincy Jones, "Secret Garden": James Ingram's contribution here is somewhat more sultry than his work on An American Tail's "Somewhere Out There." This song is all kinds of sexy. No joke, when we played this song a few years back at a family function, our cousin instantaneously became pregnant. He was so pissed.

Sisqo, "Incomplete": "Thong Song" made us want to cut our ears off, but "Incomplete" remains to be one of our favorite heartbreak-slow songs of all time. We're curious to know if he still has a bank account bigger than the law should allow. And how long can a tiger live being bottle fed anyway?

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Shea Serrano