I caught somebody trying to break into my house Wednesday. And I punched the shit out of him. Because I am a man of action. It's like this: I usually get up around 5:45 a.m. so I can get done what I need to get done before the wife and boys wake. The house we stay in is one of those three-story townhomes where the first floor is actually the garage. That's important to know. Anyway, so it's about 6:15 by the time I'm ready to leave. I walk downstairs from the second floor, where the kitchen and living room are, to go into the garage. It's completely quiet in the house. It's almost completely dark too. So I get to the bottom of the stairs, open the door to the garage, and right there, right the eff at the door that I just opened, is a man. He's maybe six foot tall, has a medium build, and his face is perfectly hidden by the darkness. He looks like every murderer you've ever seen in any movie. The garage was closed, so it's not like he just wandered in there. This is how I know he's in there with ill intent. He must've climbed in through the window, my brain says, which I know to be unlocked because it's always unlocked because I opened it once two years ago while I was putting grass in our tiny backyard and neglected to lock it again because it was always just too inconvenient. For all I know, this man, this burglar, this bastard, he's going to kill me, molest my children, steal my 27" TV and then burn my house down with my wife inside. And like I said, ours is a townhouse, so it's connected to other townhomes on both sides. If he burns ours down, he'll likely kill the woman that lives to our left and the man that lives to our right too. That's a lot of bodies, yo. So my immediate reaction is to fight. I'm not sure why, that's just the first thing I think to do when I get surprised. It's been like that since I was a kid. My body just decides - without consulting my brain, mind you - that the most reasonable thing to do in that situation is punch. So I did. I punched him with all of my might. I punched him the way Neo slow-motion-punched Agent Smith at the end of the thirdMatrix
. I punch him the way that dude punched Snooki onJersey Shore
last night. And I hit him square in his jaw. I'm fucking incredible. Only, instead of hitting a jaw, I hit some leaves. And instead of a burglar crumpling to the ground into a broken and ashamed heap, my momentum tumbles me forward over myself through some dusty branches and onto the garage floor. Because it wasn't a man that was standing there. I didn't save my row of townhomes from a murdering, molesting arsonist. I saved them from a plastic tree. The 6' tall plastic ficus tree that we used to have in our living room but was moved to the garage to make room for our Christmas tree and inexplicably placed in front of the door by my wife the night before so she wouldn't forget that somebody was supposed to come by and pick it up Thursday. I punched a tree Wednesday morning. That's the kind of shit that happens to me. Enjoy the videos."I'm On Patron," Paul Wall
Okay, ignore the Patron angle and just listen closely. You'll notice, Wall has scaled back his stereotyped blackness here. Words are a little clearer, a little less cartoonish in nature. You'll also notice that this is a good, strong mixtape track here. That's not a coincidence. Paul hasn't had any real acclaim in a while. Might 2010 be the year that he gravitates back to the version of Paul Wall that madeGet Ya Mind Right
the [number] album of all time? Sure hope so."Ghetto Bitch Ass," Jay'Ton feat. Bun B
Is that a slowed down sample of the piano sample from that "Heard 'Em Say" song that Kanye did with Adam Levine? Are Houston artists doing things like that now? More to the point, is Jay'Ton going to do things like that? Because if so, his perpetually delayed tape will be great."Candy Car," Tight feat. Pimp C
Mmmm... not sure how to feel about this. Are we the only ones that would be fine with not hearing anymore "new" Pimp C songs?"Kush Is My Cologne," Gucci Mane feat. Devin the Dude and Bun B
The thing we like about Gucci Mane is that all of his words sound like they're sneaking out of the bottom of his mouth while the top isn't paying attention. It gives his flow a cool, sleepy, lazy effect, like he just woke up. The thing we don't like about him is everything else."Bitch Ass Nigga," Coota Bang and Archie Lee
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This song ain't all that great, for certain, but we've sort of been taken with Coota since he (surprisingly) turned in the strongest effort from thatThe Usual Suspects
tape so he gets a pass. Archie Lee, on the other hand... Thanks for the support. Have a moderately interesting weekend.