Five Top Rappers' Ideal Corporate Jobs

Keep Houston Press Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Houston and help keep the future of Houston Press free.

The U.S. economy has been limping for a while now, causing more and more people to seek innovative ways of generating revenue. Rappers, it turns out, aren't immune from the economic turmoil.

Just ask will.i.am of The Black Eyed Peas, who recently secured a second job with Intel to stay afloat. Some have had to make significant cutbacks, like reducing their bling budget from $60,000 to a puny $15,000, wearing knockoff apparel, and making it rain with Washingtons instead of Franklins.

Not at all, baller. Well, we won't sit here and watch our idols continue to dwell in a state of penury. So, we've drawn up the perfect corporate jobs for five rappers should they ever decide to expand their hustle.

5. N.O.R.E.

Company: Cristal

Position: Hood Wine Connoisseur

Jay-Z dissed Cristal after champagne boss Frédéric Rouzaud went out of his way to insult the rapper's fondness for Cristal. N.O.R.E., a self-proclaimed hood wine connoisseur, could help Cristal regain popularity in the hip-hop community. Plus, he understands the importance of proper wine selection.

"Women respond perfectly to wine," N.O.R.E. says, "If you give them vodka, they know you're just trying to hump them."

4. Common

Company: Crochet Clothing

Position: Head Knitter in Charge

Common has always been the butt of hip-hop jokes for wearing crocheted pants. To his credit, these trousers offer the benefit of supplying ample ventilation to your holy parts. If Common really wants to stick it to the mudslingers, then he should go ahead and embrace crocheted pants completely.

He could earn extra cash by launching his own line of clothing specializing in crochet pants, crochet boxers, and crochet thongs.

3. Nicki Minaj

Company: Wonderbra

Position: Cleavage Envy Specialist

Wonderbra's marketing campaign would be safely nestled in Nicki Minaj's bosom.

No marketing slogans necessary. Just a life-size billboard of Nicki and her massive knockers.

2. Young Jeezy

Company: Johnson & Johnson

Position: Quality Control Officer

They don't call him "Snowman" for nothing. Jeezy's prowess for peddling quality powder would prove valuable to Johnson & Johnson. If you're looking to push that white, get at this dude.

1. Gucci Mane

Company: Ben & Jerry's

Position: The Face

Gucci Mane has made his fascination with ice cream abundantly clear. If this hip-hop thing doesn't work out, he could always apply to be the face of Ben & Jerry's.

He'll probably have to add 13 new characters to his ice-cream tat, but that's a minor inconvenience for a man of sophistication.

Follow Rocks Off on Facebook and on Twitter at @HPRocksOff.

Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.