Get In The Ring: How 7 Wrestlers Match Up With Their Rock-Star Lookalikes

While rock stars wrestle with their inner demons, the performers of the WWE wrestle with other people. A rock star may cut himself because he just needs to feel something; a wrestler will cut himself because it's the championship pay-per-view event and needs to look more intense.

The rock stars that don't kill themselves retire to a life of producing albums for other rock stars, while the wrestlers who don't drop dead of a heart attack by age 50 retire to careers of shitty TV action shows and knees that don't work right anymore. Yes, it seems the differences between wrestlers and rock stars are vast and innumerable, but nonetheless, we managed to find a few who seem to have quite a bit in common.

Billy Corgan and Kane

What They Have In Common: Big, bald and pale. Sort of alien-looking. Gothic affectations. Both drastically changed their look at some point in their career; Billy by shaving his head shortly after the Smashing Pumpkins became popular, Kane by removing the mask that had been his signature for years. Neither seems to work well with others.

Who Would Win In a Fight: Kane may very well punch a hole through Billy's chest without even trying.

The Undertaker and Lemmy

What They Have In Common: Each is sort of a pastiche of biker, cowboy and Randall Flagg from The Stand. Both are mascots of dark badassery. Both look like they just crawled out of a grave. Both have a fondness for spiffy hats and bitchin' facial hair.

Who Would Win In a Fight: The Undertaker is a scary dude, undoubtedly capable of dishing out untold amount of actual, non-fake pain. Unfortunately for him, Lemmy has not felt pain since 1972. It will take him a while to wear down The Undertaker, but that's fine. Lemmy has all the time in the world, since he cannot die.

Chad Kroeger (Nickelback) and Edge

What They Have In Common: Girlishly pretty hair, deep, soulful eyes, and the ability to sell false pain before an audience of fans who excel in suspension of disbelief. Edge is known as the "Guns 'n' Roses of Wrestling." Nickelback could easily pass for the "Guns N' Roses of Sucking."

Who Would Win In a Fight: Hopefully Edge, although if Chad starts singing, Edge may succumb to the dehydration caused by repetitive projectile vomiting.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
John Seaborn Gray