Got a Problem? Ask Monster Ballads for Help

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Dear Monster Ballads,

As the result of two recent death scares involving skydiving and putting a fork in an electrical outlet, I have been having questions about where Heaven is located? Is it on a map where I can find it or is it located in a closet -- like those kids in that Narnia movie? Also, am I going to die?

-- Scared of Heights and Electrical Outlets, Random hick town, TX

Dear SOHAEO, Heaven isn't too far away. Closer to it every day. No matter what your friends might say. We'll find our way, yeah.

Dear Monster Ballads, I am debating on joining eHarmony. I am 42 and have dated more than 100 people, but never been married. Should I do it?

-- Addicted to Love, Sugar Land

Dear ATL, I thought that perfect love was hard to find. I'd almost given up, you must have read my mind and all these dreams I saved for a rainy day -- they're finally coming true. I'll share them all with you 'cause now we hold the future in our hands. Oh, almost paradise, we're knocking on heaven's door. Almost paradise. How could we ask for more? I swear that I can see forever in your eyes. Paradise.

Dear Monster Ballads, Last week, I went to the comic-book store and found the first-ever issue of Batman. I have looked long and hard for this issue and have passed up buying it several times. Should I buy it? Will it bring me limitless joy and happiness?

-- 0 Percent Confidence Fanboy

Dear 0CF, I've looked for you all of my life. Now that I've found you, we will never say goodbye. I can't stop this feeling and there's nothing I can do. 'Cause that's the end of the end, when I look at you.

Dear Monster Ballads, I keep getting bullied at school because I have to wear a chicken costume for work. What do I do?

-- Twiggy the Bird, South Houston

Dear TTB, Build up your confidence so you can be on top for once. Wake up. Who cares about little boys that talk too much?

Dear Monster Ballads, Every single time I hear "These Dreams" by Heart, I feel I must cry like a baby for no particular reason. Is the programmer or DJ somehow zoning in on my "cry trigger?" Please help!

-- Schizophrenic Man, Downtown Houston

Dear SM, I listen to her favorite song playing on the radio. Hear the DJ say love's a game of easy come and easy go, but I wonder, does he know? Has he ever felt like this? And I know that you'd be here right now If I could let you know somehow, I guess.

Dear Monster Ballads, My boyfriend just told me we need to talk. I have heard those words before once, when I spied on my sister and her boyfriend and my sister ended up in tears. Is he going to break it off with me?

-- Crazy In Memorial

Dear CIM, Headed for a heartbreak. Headed for a heartbreak.

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