Gothic Council Applies For The Perfect Job

Joblessness in the United States remains an ever-present fear for Americans who worry about their employment options in the face of a sluggish economic recovery. Having recently gone through it ourselves, let us tell you that the stress of not knowing for sure where your next check is coming from or whether you'll be able to maintain health insurance can be a truly stressful experience. Being hired during such a time gives one a huge sense of relief.

But surely it won't always be this way, right? Times may be tough, but no tough time lasts forever. One day a veritable buffet of awesome jobs will once again be open to the populace. Jobs like that guy who was solely in charge of watching for girls flashing on Splash Mountain at Disney World to make sure the pictures didn't end up traumatizing children. In some hopeful future, jobs like that will soon return to the country.

What exactly is the dream job for the average goth (besides professional boob monitor)? This question required an answer, so by mailing off our resume to Cleopatra records for the position of CD rewinder, we summoned the Gothic Council.

Joining the Council this week is stylist Carol Daeumer, author Carmilla Voiez, fashion designer Batty, creepy dollmaker Ugly Shyla, PunkyMoms founder Sarah Fanning, and new to the Council, model Scarlett St. Vitus.

Gothtopia: The question before the Council is, "What is the ultimate goth job?" As always, remember that we have a time machine.

Carol Daeumer: Antiques Dealer. We have a time machine, so we can travel through time collecting items and selling them in the present... Most of us already have the clothes to fit in with several time periods, so why not? Sounds like a hell of an adventure to me.

Scarlett St. Vitus: My somewhat realistic dream job would be general counsel for the largest funeral, cemetery and cremation company in the U.S. Anyone have connections at SCI?

Less realistically, I'd love to host a spooky travel show where I would visit creepy/haunted/strange places like the Paris Underground and the Bone Church, but also goth/deathrock clubs. If only I could convince someone to pay me to do that.

My 100 percent unrealistic time machine dream job is to be a ridiculously wealthy, batshit crazy queen/princess/other royal person.

Carmilla Voiez: Oh, the ultimate Goth job? Well for me, with my pretentions to the literary, it would have to be a poet. I would be one of the decadents like Byron or Shelley and write without really caring how it was received or how I would pay the bills. I would just enjoy communion with my darkness and consuming far too many narcotic substances to stimulate the imagination and set it down on parchment with a quill.

Sarah Fanning: My dream job was to get a research grant from the Smithsonian and study medieval cultures, literature, mythology, folk lore, art and artifacts. Then I could arrange exhibits and give lectures. And I'd also get to be a subject matter expert on all the Discovery, TLC, and History channel shows dealing with medieval topics.

Batty: I already have my ultimate gothic job designing clothing for the gothic subculture. I can't imagine anything else more up my alley. Of course with the addition of the time machine I would be able to get gorgeous silks and lace from 18th century France and other fine things from the past, which would enhance the clothing even more.

I mean imagine being able to say "this fabric is dyed red from the blood of virgins that Countess Bathory bathed in" or "this lace has been washed in a bath of 'Poe's Tears'." Hand Staple Forehead ultra-goth-ness in fashion design could be mine.

Ugly Shyla: Doll maker is pretty damn cool. I'm like Batty I get to have the ultimate goth job. An artist. A tormented one at that, too! I'd also like to study theology. Which is kind of gothy but the degree doesn't really do you any good. I doubt they would let me teach at a seminary.

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