Gothic Council Debates How To Rule Our New Planet

After years of searching, scientists have finally discovered a planet that may be able to support human life. Gliese 581d, as it is known is 20 light years from Earth, and though it's just a bit on the cool side for comfortable human habitation, it looks like a pretty good bet that he planet can sustain liquid water, and maybe even clouds and rainfall.

The downside is that the air is pretty dense, it's dark there and it's cold. In other words, it's perfect for goth colonization. Little annoying sunlight and weather permitting satin and leather all year round? Sign us up.

An emergency meeting of the Gothic Council was called so that plans could be laid for our impending takeover of Gliese 581d. Joining the Council this week is fashion designer Batty, Punky Moms founder Sarah Fanning and Carol Daeumer of Vaniteux Salon et Nano Spa.

Batty: I would like a good melting pot of weirdoes to colonize the new Gothopia. It has to stay fashionable, though.

So I would also like to nominate we take all the very worst cross section of steampunk dorks, emos, ravers, and general D-listers and rocket them off somewhere so they will not sully my new utopian paradise with their presence, or perhaps put them in a zoo and charge admission to heckle them. We all know that in Gothtopia being a snarky asshole is a serious business opportunity, and I have a degree in first class asshole-ery that I might as well put to good use.

Sarah Fanning: I think arts and beauty are essential. We need authors: Neil Gaiman definitely. Movies: Tim Burton to start. Visual art: I love Darla Teagarden. I'm also partial to Brian Froud.

Batty: Can we invent a time machine first and get pre-"I am out of original ideas and just do remakes and things other people wrote" Tim Burton?

Gothtopia: All measures enacted by the Council assume that we have a time machine.

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner