Gothic Council Debates Unionization, Johnny Cash

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In Wisconsin, there's a huge political fight over what form of bargaining state-worker unions will be able to use in the future, and it got us thinking. After all, goths provide many valuable goods and services to the community, such as dark music, disturbing art, and a whole genre of pornography? It seems only logical that we should consider unionizing in order to assure that we receive good wages and safe working conditions, or at least maybe we can score some free stuff.

Eager to settle the matter, we hurled Poe and Lovecraft collections high into the midnight sky and summoned The Gothic Council.

Joining the Council this week is Carol Kirby, owner of Vaniteux Salon et Nano Spa, Sarah Fanning, moderator of Punky Moms, goth fashion designer Batty, Beck Plexco, webmistress of Morticia's Morgue, and Paul Fredric of darkwave band Asmodeus X.

Gothtopia: Inspired by the fight in Wisconsin, the question before the Council is whether we should unionize, and what demands we should make.

Carol Kirby: I have to Google what's going on in Wisconsin since I am too busy ruining the scene to notice news of the outside world...

Sarah Fanning: I want SPF +50 sunscreen dispensers in all public parks and near doorways leading outside!

Batty: As a business owner, I am one of the people that are against unions and all for private business owners controlling their own companies and employees, so I would have to decline being part of a gothic union or a union of any sort.

Gothtopia: This is really more of a "If We Could Charge Society for Us Being Goth" sort of scheme.

Batty: I kind of like things how they are, honestly. I don't think anyone should have to cater to my weirdness.

Paul Fredric: As a gothic union or lobby we'd definitely have a large stake in all things vampiric. How about a class-action lawsuit again the Twilight movies and novels for trying to misrepresent vampires as GQ nice-guy vegans? My grandmother is more vampiric than Robert Pattinson.

Oh, and how about a cease-and-desist on Eva O and Anne Rice for all the Jesus references? An occasional rosary or music video shot in a gothic cathedral is OK, but blatant references to the doctrine of salvation or original sin is unacceptable. The only exception to this is Johnny Cash, who I would suggest we consider as a gothic draft pick.

Kirby: Second the Johnny Cash draft pick, and also wager for Willie Nelson. He wrote the song "Crazy" and if that ain't goth, I don't know what is!

Gothtopia: Motion on the floor to draft Johnny Cash formally as a goth. All in favor say, "Aye."

All: AYE!

Gothtopia: Motion carried. Cash is totally goth.

Becky Plexco: I want more 24-hour businesses, stores, restaurants. Also, lots more clubs and not just one goth night a month. And clubs open more than just Friday and Saturday. Or maybe I should just move to New Orleans.

The makeup companies have finally caught up to the foundation, lip and eye color, nail color we use. We're actually considered stylish now so no complaints there. Oh, and more local store carrying something other than Hot Topic-type stuff.

Fanning: I want more availability of corporate goth wear, or else it should be acceptable for me to wear Victorian dresses to the office.

Carol Kirby: Have you tried wearing Victorian dresses to the office? You might start a trend then have to abandon the idea altogether because tit's gotten too popular. Wait, did I say "tits?" I meant "it's."

Fredric: Freudian slip.

Fanning: Well, my tits are rather nice, but I don't plan on making them popular.

Gothtopia: Session closed. It's been decided that Johnny Cash is goth. The question of whether to unionize gothically is tabled until the sentiment is unanimous.

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