Gothic Council Nominates 2012 Presidential Candidate

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The Gothic Council has few real duties, you understand. The role of the group is largely ceremonial. Wearing black and judging people isn't really a full-time job unless you somehow end up as a judge on American Idol.

However, each election cycle we are obligated to nominate a candidate for president, someone who we feel best represents gothic interest. Whatever his successes or failures, this cannot be said of the incumbent, Barack Obama, though his comic-geek fandom does garner him a onyx on our highly sophisticated, all-black color-coded rating system. The same is true for the current crop of GOP hopefuls, none of whom rise above ebony on the scale.

Joining the council for this all important meeting this week are fashion designer Batty, model Sarah Hill, Punky Moms founder Sarah Fanning, and please welcome creepy doll designer Shyla.

Gothtopia: Who shall we nominate for president that will serve goth well? Please bear in mind the following rules when making a choice: 1) Fiction counts as reality; 2) We have a time machine; 3) That whole age-35, natural-born-citizen, not-a-felon thing the other candidates have to follow doesn't apply here.

Batty: I vote for Uncle Andy.

Gothtopia. That would be Andrew Eldritch, lead singer of The Sisters of Mercy.

Batty: He is already good at denial. He's said the Sisters of Mercy weren't goth for years. He's also a crotchety old bastard, and what we need is a mean old bastard. Plus, he looks good in respect-my-authority aviator glasses, and is really excellent at taking the piss out of hecklers.

Sarah Hill: I vote for Diamanda Galas. She'll say she isn't exactly goth, but fuck it. She can scare the shit out of anyone on the planet. Hitler would have gladly kissed her boots.

Batty: And her music is great to blare when your neighbors annoy you, so in turn you could just blare her presidential speeches.

Sarah Hill: Exactly.

Shyla: I vote Charles Edwards of Seraphim Shock. He's hot and he could whip everyone into shape.

Gothtopia: Don't you think a bit more is required to lead a country.

Shyla: Judging by most of the people who have... nope.

Sarah Fanning: Since we have a time machine, I would like to bring back Elizabeth I. She stayed true to herself, didn't take shit from anyone and showed all the naysayers that a woman could rule in a magnificent way.

She also know how to handle a country deeply divided; deal with religious types trying to meddle in government; bring prosperity to a country on the brink of economic ruin; and conduct military engagements.

Sarah Hill: I'm with Fanning.

Gothtopia: Very well, it is the decision of the Council that we nominate English monarch Elizabeth I to run for president in hopes of furthering the gothic agenda. Non-binding cabinet position suggestions will be made on behalf of Andrew Eldritch, Diamanda Galas, and Charles Edwards.

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