Great Moments In Douchebaggotry: Axl Rose Fails to Get In the Ring (MotherF'er)

Great Moments in Douchebaggotry is brought to you by Rocks Off's upcoming Washington Shore party, Thursday, February 11 at the Washington Avenue Drinkery. All types of douchebags are encouraged to attend.

Everyone knows (or should know, at this point) that Axl Rose is... contentious. He regularly shows up late for the few gigs he doesn't cancel, throws frequent temper tantrums onstage, and throws threats and insults around like they're greetings. It's not much of a surprise to discover that the man doesn't respond well to criticism, it was just kind of surprising how his most well-known response manifested itself.

Former Guns N' Roses bassist Duff McKagan wrote a song called "Why Do You Look At Me When You Hate Me?" When Axl got a hold of it, he changed everything but the first line, transforming the song into a bitter rant against various rock critics he had beef with. Included were Mick Wall of Kerrang!, Andy Secher of Hit Parader, and SPIN's Bob Guccione Jr. Here's a little sample of what Axl had to say about Bob:

"Bob Guccione Jr. at SPIN/ What, you pissed off 'cause your dad gets more pussy than you?/ Fuck you/ Suck my fuckin' dick/ You be rippin' off the fuckin' kids/ While they be payin' their hard earned money to read about the bands they want to know about/ Printin' lies, startin' controversy/ You wanna antagonize me?/ Antagonize me motherfucker/ Get in the ring motherfucker/ And I'll kick your bitchy little ass/ Punk/ I don't like you, I just hate you/ I'm gonna kick your ass!"

All the kids who be payin' their hard-earned money for Guns 'n' Roses' 1991 album Use Your Illusion II heard the song, now called "Get In the Ring," and many of those kids, including Rocks Off, imagined to ourselves "Wouldn't it be rad if Axl actually got in the ring with some of those guys?"

Since then we've learned better: We've learned not to throw the word "rad" around like we're one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and we've learned that Axl rarely backs up his shit-talk with shit-action. If you don't believe us, go ahead and check his "feuds and rivalries" Wikipedia page.

Yes, that's a separate page set aside for Axl's shenanigans. It's one of the side benefits of being a hugely famous, staggeringly obstinate fuckhead for many, many years. Notice how many of those little spats never escalate beyond verbosity. This is because Axl likes to talk shit and run away, just like that annoying kid on the playground.

Shortly after Use Your Illusion II's release, Bob Guccione Jr. sent a letter to Axl Rose accepting his challenge, leaving it up to the singer to name the time, place and ring which would be gotten into. Axl never responded, in all likelihood after finding out Guccione Jr. had nine years of fight training, while Axl's own combat experience was limited to punching unruly fans as they were being dragged away by security guards. Nobody knows for sure if Axl curled up in his bathroom with the letter and heaved childlike sobs into his chest while praying to all possible deities for protection and wetting himself, so we'll just have to assume he did.

Axl, by strenuously urging an enemy to get in the ring and then failing to do so yourself when said enemy accepted, you generated one of the most cringe-inducing moments in true douchebaggotry. Kudos! And just so you know: Rocks Off has two years of kickboxing training under his belt, so... you know. Think before you speak, maybe.

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John Seaborn Gray