Green Day Singer Kicked Off Flight Over Pants, Heralds Armageddon

Mason Lankford said, "There will come a day when we forget the Rapture ever even happened," but Rocks Off is keeping an eye out for signs of our impending Armageddon. We were wrong last time, but we're totally right this time!

In a bizarre incident last Thursday, Billie Joe Armstrong, beloved singer of Green Day, was ejected from a Southwest flight leaving Armstrong's hometown of Oakland, Calif. because the height at which he was wearing his pants apparently did not meet Southwest's rigorous standards.

A Tweet from the composer of definitive albums like Dookie and American Idiot read, "Just got kicked off a Southwest flight because my pants sagged too low!"

The incident was witnessed by a Cindy Qui, a local ABC reporter, who said that a flight attendant approached Armstrong and told him to hike up his pants, and Armstrong was then escorted off the plane after attempting to take his seat anyway while asking if the attendant didn't have more important things to worry about.

It would appear that the attendants do not, in fact, have anything more important to worry about. Well, except THE END OF THE WORLD, which we can lay directly at the feet of Southwest Airlines over the incident.

As always, the answer lies in the Book of Revelation (KJV). Heeeeeeeeere's Johnny...

Behold, I come as a thief. Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked, and they see his shame.

And he gathered them together into a place called in the Hebrew tongue Armageddon.

-Rev 16: 15-16

See? Right there plain as bagels. "Blessed is he that keepeth his garments" is a clear reference to Armstrong's brave stance against the fascist fashion police, of whom the attendant was clearly an undercover agent. Also, Armstrong did come as a thief. He did so long ago when he stole all our hearts.

But that's not all. We wouldn't be heading to the Satan-proof bunker if that was the only indicator. No, the next verse also has some spooky stuff.

At first, you may not believe that Armageddon and Oakland have much in common, but that's because you haven't spent every day since last Thursday immersed in complex string-theory models based around a pair of Billie Joe's pants that we totally have a non-creepy reason for owning.


Armageddon, you must know, is not a thing. It's a place. It's a mountain in Israel called Megiddo, and the strategic importance of its location was presumed to be where the final battle between Heaven and Hell will take place. Armageddon just means "Mount Megiddo" in Hebrew.

The thing is that battle has already happened. The Battle of Megiddo took place during World War I. British General Edmund Allenby routed Turkish forces from the region, leading to the eventual conquering of Palestine.

Clearly the road is open for a new location for the final battle. Who knew it would take place nestled within the jeans of an alternative singer. Don't believe us? Watch this.

Billie Joe Armstrong, Green Day = Billy, Onery Jet, Armaggedon. Ergo, wherever Billy meets an unpleasant flight attendant, there will be waged the final battle.

Oakland, friends and enemies. That's where it ends. Oakland, Calif. Or maybe not. It was reported that Southwest apologized to Armstrong and he took the next flight to wherever signs of doom must fly. Be warned, though, employees who fly the friendly sky. We're all a hair's breadth from being in a Left Behind novel. Let Billie Joe wear whatever he wants, for Heaven's sake.

Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.

-Rev 1:3

Follow Rocks Off on Facebook and on Twitter at @HPRocksOff.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner