"What do you get for the woman who has everything?" That question must have been plaguing Sean Carter for the past weeks, at least. His lovely wife, Beyoncé Knowles-Carter, whom he so callously stole away from our fair city even though she is 100 percent too good for him, turns 31 today.
In the past, HOVA has gone big. In 2010, he bought her her very own private island off the coast of Florida for a cool $20 million. Well, good luck topping that shit, asshole. Where do you go from there -- her own archipelago?
Those of us who wipe our asses with regular toilet paper instead of platinum chains that we don't want anymore have to get a little more creative with our gift-giving than just picking out the most expensive thing we've ever heard of and sticking a bow on it. Because we realize you probably spent your Labor Day weekend too intoxicated to think, we've helpfully come up with a list of affordable presents that we think Beyoncé would enjoy.
Whatever you do, though, don't forget the card! Unless you're Jay-Z, in which case we hope you do forget the card, get into a fight about it, and get a divorce, you lucky son of a bitch.
10. Yoga Pants
Beyoncé is a busy woman, balancing the demands of making regular public appearances with the responsibilities of being a new mother. The poor thing is probably changing clothes constantly to keep up. Luckily, the perfect garment for all occasions has arrived: The yoga pant. Combining the soft comfort of sweatpants with the curves-hugging splendor of leggings, yoga pants have made Lazy Sunday sexy at last. Every woman needs a pair or six.
Besides, Beyoncé's body is more or less perfect for yoga pants. Why worry about fitting into custom-made jeans to go pick up a latte when you can show off that bodacious booty just as well in an elastic waistband, instead? Take your time shedding that baby weight, Bey. Lycra is in!
9. Florence + The Machine's "Spectrum (Say My Name)"
Beyoncé told Billboard last year that one of the influences on her 4 album was Florence + The Machine, the awesome British pop/indie/ballad group set to rock The Woodlands later this month. We didn't quite hear it on record, which was a tad disappointing. But maybe all she needs is a double dose.
Luckily, Flo and the boys just released a new remix of their single "Spectrum" from last year's Ceremonials, remixed by DJ Calvin Harris. It's exactly the kind of soulful, uptempo club track that could inspire a whole new batch of tunes from Beyoncé. And shouldn't that be our goal with every gift -- to inspire?
8. A Copy of Everyone Poops
One of the biggest early challenges facing any new mother is toilet training her child. That task is presumably compounded if, like Beyoncé, the mother may not actually poop, herself. We think the semi-bizarre, semi-educational classic Everyone Poops would be a thoughtful way to introduce both Bey and Blue Ivy to the notion that all mammals must defecate, even hyperfamous pop stars and their perversely privileged progeny.
American children are usually able to begin mastering use of the toilet by age two, but we're confident that Blue Ivy will come in ahead of the curve. Although, growing up in her household, she may be surprised at first to discover that butts can be used for purposes other than wild gyration.
7. An iPhone 5
With her friends and family scattered around the globe at any given time, it certain that Beyoncé understands the necessity of keeping in touch over long distances. She's even begun giving social media a try recently, starting her very own tumblr page. Clearly, a person with so much to say and so little time to do it in needs a device that can handle any form of communication yet devised by mankind, and it's got to be sleek and sexy, to boot.
The iPhone 5 is the obvious choice. It's the only smartphone that people are talking about at the moment, probably because it hasn't actually been released yet. But come on -- somebody in town has got to have the hookup with Apple. You get her the phone, and we'll get her a cute shell-case with her name spelled out in rhinestones on it.
6. Perfect Tortilla Pan Set
New York, London and Paris are great and all, but one thing's for sure: There ain't no quality Tex-Mex in any of them burgs. If Beyoncé wants a taste of home (and her personal chef dies or something), she's got to make it herself. Luckily, the "As Seen on TV!" people have just the solution to saving time in the kitchen.
Tortilla bowls taste better than regular bowls. Good luck finding someone who'll dispute that. For some reason, though, they can't be found on the shelves of any Duane Reade that we've ever been to. Luckily, the Perfect Tortilla Pan Set allows even novice cooks to create delicious, restaurant-quality tortilla bowls without having to fry them in artery-clogging grease.
After unwrapping this gift, Beyoncé can finally make her own authentic, La Tapatia-style blackened chicken salads without dumping all the ingredients into some crappy bowl you can't even eat.
5. Subscription to Working Mother Magazine
Maybe it's rude of us to assume, but one can't help but get the feeling that Beyoncé spends a lot of time in the hair and makeup chair. After all, a superstar simply can't face the paparazzi wearing yesterday's eyeliner. But that probably leaves a lot of boring blow-drying time to kill, and it's probably difficult to hold a meaningful conversation with your stylist when she's been instructed not to make eye contact.
That's why we suggest making a gift of a periodical that she's sure to enjoy -- Working Mother magazine. As the title implies, it's chock-full of tips on how to successfully juggle two of Beyoncé's favorite pastimes: working and motherhood.
The next time Bey takes a cross-country flight from New York to LA, she'll be able to skip the Ambien and put those hours to good use picking up tips from her peers on orchestrating play dates for Blue Ivy and negotiating back-end residual payouts. Handy!
4. Texans Season Tickets
Jay-Z and Beyoncé made more than a few courtside appearances in Houston back when the Rockets were worth a shit, but that's been a few years now. Linsanity aside, there ain't much glitz to the team these days, and besides, Jay has his own team in Brooklyn to play with now. Outside of the All-Star game, don't look for these two heatseekers at Toyota Center anytime soon.
The real action this year is going down at Reliant Stadium. Not a down has been played yet this season, but the buzz is already deafening around town. That's why the hottest ticket in town makes the perfect gift for Beyoncé's birthday. Her hometown team appears to be (maybe sorta) primed for a Super Bowl run, and if her choice in husbands is any indication, Queen Bey loves a winner.
3. Fifty Shades of Grey
Facts are facts: No matter how many bodyguards, personal assistants and handlers that Beyoncé hires, there may still be occasions when she is called upon to interact with boring, old normal people.
As such, it might not be a bad idea for her to bone up a bit on the pop literature of the day in order to more convincingly make conversation with the untalented masses when need be.
Who knows? Maybe the steamy scenarios in the pulp bestseller will help Beyoncé spice things back up in the bedroom after the birth of her first child.
We can't quite see Bey as the submissive type, but she has shown an interest in acting, so perhaps she'd be down for a little role-play.
2. Her Very Own Monument
A superstar's schedule doesn't really allow Beyoncé to spend as much of her time in Houston as we'd like, which is all of it. It's a little difficult to bask in her glory from afar when she's jet-setting all over the planet. What we need is a way to keep her with us always.
Luckily, an enterprising pair appears to be one step ahead of us already. Houston's Fox 26 reported earlier this year that Steve White and Marcus Mitchell of Armdeonce Ventures are soliciting donations for a local monument to Beyonce. Judging from the quality of their website, we're pretty confident that they're totally legit. C'mon, we raised like a billion dollars for that school bus driver who got bullied. Surely we can each kick in a few birthday bucks to properly idolify our heroine!
David Adickes seems like the obvious choice to create a public Beyonstrosity of the scale we're after, but this subject deserves a slightly different touch than his characteristic style. Somebody shoot a text to Johnny Dang.
1. A Hit Single
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Birthday gifts are given by friends, Bey, and friends are honest with one another. We liked 4, but we didn't love it. Your voice sounded great and everything, but we just didn't get that aggressive pop single that we really needed to feed our addiction. "Run the World (Girls)" did not cut it, and you should seriously hear this Katy Perry crap they're foisting on us now.
Now, there's a lot of musical talent trapped in this city. If we all put our heads together, there's no reason at all why we couldn't come up with a perfectly formulated, gospel-inflected dance-pop classic and present it to Beyoncé with a bow on top. It's really the least we could do for our city's top global ambassador. For in her divine light, do not we all shine?