"What do you get for the woman who has everything?" That question must have been plaguing Sean Carter for the past weeks, at least. His lovely wife, Beyoncé Knowles-Carter, whom he so callously stole away from our fair city even though she is 100 percent too good for him, turns 31 today.
In the past, HOVA has gone big. In 2010, he bought her her very own private island off the coast of Florida for a cool $20 million. Well, good luck topping that shit, asshole. Where do you go from there -- her own archipelago?
Those of us who wipe our asses with regular toilet paper instead of platinum chains that we don't want anymore have to get a little more creative with our gift-giving than just picking out the most expensive thing we've ever heard of and sticking a bow on it. Because we realize you probably spent your Labor Day weekend too intoxicated to think, we've helpfully come up with a list of affordable presents that we think Beyoncé would enjoy.
Whatever you do, though, don't forget the card! Unless you're Jay-Z, in which case we hope you do forget the card, get into a fight about it, and get a divorce, you lucky son of a bitch.