We all aspire to honor our dads and hope that we've done right by them on Father's Day. Here's a list of offspring whose lives have served no useful purpose on earth other than churning out a never-ending source of disappointment for their rock star dads.
Yoko Ono is often credited for single-handedly bringing about the downfall of the greatest rock band of all time, and Sean Lennon came out of her vagina. It was almost destined that nothing good was ever to come of his existence.
But maybe we give Sean a harder time than we should. It must blow to live in the shadow of John Lennon: one of music's greatest songwriters, a rock icon and arguably the voice of a generation. At first glance, we would think that Sean would have had the good fortune to share in some of his dad's righteous genes. But on second thought, we realize that his mom makes music that sounds a lot like a wheelbarrow of kittens doused in kerosene getting hit by an 18-wheeler going 70 miles per hour.
If we were Sean we would have had the good sense never to pick up a guitar in the first place to avoid comparison to his dad all together. Never fear, Sean. It's not too late to take up painting.
The last time we went to Sea World was when we were five. We got to relive the experience of seeing whale choreography again when we saw Kelly Osborne on Dancing With the Stars last year. Ozzy must have been so proud to see you flopping about like a beached whale in a tutu on national television.
Ozzy, how did this happen? You and Sharon are beyond rad. And apart from you and Keith Richards, few people have lived the rock star lifestyle harder and long enough to talk about it. How did the Prince of Darkness go from biting the heads off bats and snorting ants to birthing whiny, talentless, self-involved blobs who leach off your fame and notoriety? Kelly, may we suggest Jenny Craig and a college education.
Way to honor your dad's legacy by making music that winds up on the same Sunny 99.1 playlist along with Hootie and the Blowfish and Dave Matthews Band. Fortunately for you, Jakob, your last couple of solo albums garnered some critical acclaim, and we do have more faith in you than other members of this list.
You know, we saw Martin Scorsese's No Direction Home documenting your dad's transformation from a folk artist to a bonafide rock star. Maybe you should watch it sometime. When your dad released Highway 61 Revisited, he got hammered by many of his fans for "selling out" and becoming a so-called "pop artist" for his electric guitar-wielding.
At a 1966 concert in England, one crowd-goer went so far as to call him "Judas," and in a moment of rage, he told the band to "play it fucking loud," launching them into "Like a Rolling Stone." Our advice to you: take a cue from your dad, grow a pair, and tell the band to play it fucking loud.
Lisa Marie Presley
Your dad might be The King, but you ain't no damn princess. The high points of your career were that failed attempt at becoming a pop star at the ripe old age of 35 and when you shared that awkward make-out session with Michael Jackson on the 1994 VMAs -- a moment that still haunts our dreams to this day.
And that weird marriage to Nick Cage? We don't know what's changed more in the last 20 years: his hairline or MJ's face. You sure now how to pick 'em.
We know your dad's been rolling around everywhere in his grave.
Elijah Blue Allman
Old Blue apparently is good at two things in life: 1. Wearing eyeliner while recording abysmal metal records with his band Deadsy and 2. Contracting STDs.
He bragged about his alleged flings with heiresses Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie on the Howard Stern Show in 2006.
He reportedly was so fearful that he'd contracted an STD after the fact, that he scrubbed his no-no parts with Tilex. We hear Tilex is a good makeup remover too, brosef.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.