It's been a long time since the committed She Said has been on a first date, and while the romantic in her likes to think of how exciting, flustering and fun a first date can be, the realist in her knows that life is full of hundreds of awkward first dates and very few successful ones. She Said has forgotten how miserable, awkward and embarrassing dating can be. Face it. Dating fucking sucks. She Said is convinced that makes a good argument for marriage - so one never has to date again. She Said's worst first date happened when she was 16. A boy from school (a senior!
) picked her up in his rusted Mustang (generic), handed her a bouquet of red roses (overkill), then took her to dinner at a very formal, very expensive restaurant. It was just all too much. The dude had a girlfriend, too, who he'd been with since they were like 13, and She Said guesses he was just testing the waters with someone else. It didn't work. In fact, it was so traumatizing that when She Said ate at the same restaurant on a recent trip home, she was consumed with flashbacks of that awful night nearly 15 years ago. She Said's best first date included tickets to a production of "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" followed by full-on sloppy making out at the bar atVZD's
. Good times! Thoughthat
relationship didn't last long either. But do "the kids" even go on first dates these days? She Said's not sure how it works, what with Facebook and sexting and all the other vestiges of Our Modern Times. She Said's not even sure the regular advice - don't talk too much, keep your cool, open the doors for the lady but don't fawn over her too much - still applies. And what to listen to before, during or after your first date? Well, She Said has some ideas below. If you have an awful first date story, let's hear it in the comments."Debra," Beck
Working up the nerve to ask the girl out is the first step, and the hardest part. Does she have a cute sister?"Good Vibrations," The Beach Boys
You can listen to this just before you go to pick her up to get you in the mood. Just don't talk about how you're building your own Theremin in your parents' basement, and whatever you do, DO NOT take any mind-altering substances before you leave the house."Just Like Romeo and Juliet," The Reflections
"Aww, what a sweet and romantic literary reference. Whassat? Oh, you're onlypretending to have read it?
They end up killing themselves at the end. SPOILER ALERT.""He's A Rebel," The Crystals
Just remember, chicks love assholes. The bad-boy persona is irresistible."Half a Person," The Smiths
It's a good idea to share a little about yourself, open up a bit. Just don't go into too much detail. And try not to sound too much like a stalker."First Kiss," They Might Be Giants
This could be the best part of the night. Oh yes. First kisses are awesome. It's also a good way to shut someone up who keeps whining about the story of their life."Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered," Ella Fitzgerald
Depending on how you play your cards, you could leave her feeling like this after that kiss. (Sadly, all of Ella's risqué lyrics are missing from this version.)"Relax," Frankie Goes to Hollywood
But you should stop there. Nothing beyond heavy petting on the first date."Because Your Kiss," Hall & Oates
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
After the date, remember, a gentleman never tells."The One I Love," R.E.M.
After the date, if it goes well, you'll probably be consumed with thoughts of the girl. Just remember, you should have a two-day cooling off period before you call her.