He Said She Said: Songs We Are Least Thankful For

She Said heard her first holiday song Monday, at around 9 p.m. in the Montrose Walgreens, and suddenly she was transported to her own personal hell - one filled solely with late-night pharmacy shoppers and Mariah Carey's Christmas album on repeat. It's that time of the year when all Americans are given the chance to reflect on what they are thankful for over the past year, and She Said is no different - she likes to think of the music she's most grateful for.

That music includes Camera Obscura's "French Navy," Wilco drummer Glenn Kotche's exotica-esque side-project On Fillmore, an insanely inspiring show from Peaches and the brain-fuck that is Lady Gaga (that's a compliment). But She Said needs only accidentally listen to 107.5 The Eagle for five minutes before she's reminded of everything she hates about music. After the jump, seven songs She Said is not thankful for, would be happy never, ever hearing again, or was just flat-out disappointed in.

"The Fixer," Pearl Jam

This video is a hilarious juxtaposition of olde-timey images with a new single because Pearl Jam has never sounded less like Pearl Jam. When did Eddie Vedder get so whiney? The worst thing about this song is that it seems so plebeian. Pop =/= grunge, guys. Stick to what made you famous.

Pachelbel's "Canon In D"

Every jewelry commercial, fantasy wedding, department store elevator and ice cream truck in Texas keeps this song on stand-bye for when She Said shows up, the better to annoy her with. She even has to leave the gems and minerals exhibit at HMNS when it comes on. Did you know the Canon in D major was lost for nearly two hundred years until the manuscript was rediscovered in 1919? She's sure it was groundbreaking in the 17th century. Now it's just entirely overused.

"Do You Feel Like I Do?" Peter Frampton

Sometimes She Said likes to listed to Dean and Rog in the mornings, more for the talk than for the rock. And sometimes Dean and Rog play Peter Frampton, who in the history of his career has never written a good song. That's fine. She Said will switch it to another channel, like Jack FM, for a few minutes.

But when they play this song, possibly the longest song in the history of schlock-rock, without fail, no matter how much time you think has passed since you changed the station, when you change it back, that song will still be on. Getting through the song is a Sisyphean task. It's so long it had to be divided into two separate videos on Youtube.

"We Made You," Eminem

Remember when Eminem got fat? (It was a fake, don't worry.) She Said hates to admit this, but she kinda thought misogynist homophobe Eminem was clever when he spewed rhymes like "I am the worst thing since Elvis Presley/ To do black music so selfishly/ And used it to get myself wealthy."

She was looking forward to his album released earlier this year in the hopes that the self-proclaimed King of Controversy would come out with something shocking, original and unexpected. The video is shocking, yes, but there was nothing original about the album, the same ol' bag of tricks Eminem used last decade.

"Believe," Cher

This "hit" by Cher was responsible for the Auto-tune craze that brought us, on the awesome side of the spectrum, T. Pain, and on the awful side of the spectrum, this delightful gem:

"I Kissed A Girl," Katy Perry

Obvious choice, huh? But this one's a mixed bag for She Said. Because she kinda likes the bonkers Katy Perry, who shuns pants, has a multi-octave singing voice, can actually play an instrument and who takes an active role in the creation of the music she performs. But the whole trope of pretending to be lesbo so boys will like you is nauseating.

"The Sky Is Crying," Stevie Ray Vaughn

"If you like authentic blues, you really gotta check out Blues Hammer. They're so great!"

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Shey is an experienced blogger, social media expert and traveler. She studied journalism at Oklahoma State University before working as a full-time reporter for Houston Community Newspapers in 2005. She lived in South Korea for three years, where she worked as a freelancer.
Contact: Brittanie Shey