Hey, Teacher, Leave Those Kids Alone: A Back to School Playlist

I have been a teacher for six years now. I joke about it, but it really is the best job of all, and remains to be the only one I've ever had that didn't make me want to drive right the fuck into a tree after doing it for three weeks.

Last week, teachers returned to campuses. We cleaned our rooms and sat in meetings and gossiped about incoming kids and prepared our forts for battle. This week, the students returned. They run around and laugh and scream and, more often than not, are generally excited to be back. Teachers are glad to have them. We welcome them. They shake hands and pretend not to be plotting to draw penises on people in science books. It's as the world should be.

So, in honor of nature's greatest ritual, a Back to School playlist for the uninitiated. Hop to, playas.

Kris Kross, "I Missed The Bus"

For real, I used to jam this shit so hard. There was probably a period of time where I actively tried to miss my bus just so I could make Kris Kross references. Oh man, I miss the bus. It was fun. Except for the time the kid came on it with a gun hidden in his sweater. That wasn't fun. His name was Antoine. I'll never forget him.

Grease, "Beauty School Dropout"

Whatever. Frankie Avalon is cool. Remember that one movie where he had to ride that gigantic wave (or something)? SO TOUGH.

The Kinks, "Education"

Precisely 4,000 percent better than the same-named song by Pearl Jam. Precisely.

Third Eye Blind, "Graduate"

They used this song as our graduation song when I finished school. High school kids are so uncreative. Ack. (I was petitioning hard core for Montell Jordan's "This Is How We Do It," obvs.)

Asher Roth, "I Love College"

Say what you will about Asherton Abernathy Rothberg, but this song is undeniably effective. I saw him the last time he was in Houston and when he did this the crowd went yo-yo. It was a tremendous amount of fun.

Nirvana, "School"

Did we ever decide if this was a good song or not? Or was that never even a debate? #BringBackCurtKobain

Green Day, "409 In Your Coffee Maker"

When I was in the eighth grade, my cousin came to live with us. His family wanted him to stay at our house because they'd lost control of him and hoped that my mother (who spent the first 17 years of my life operating under the delusion that she was a marine drill sergeant) could iron him out. He used to bring this girl over and they'd go in our bedroom and make out while they listened to Green Day that was played on a cassette. Such is life.

Kanye West, "School Spirit"

From one of the greatest rap albums to be made in the last 20 years. Live with that.

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Brownsville Station, "Smokin' In The Boys Room"

Here's how much of an asshole I was as a kid: My dad used to play this song all the time. I loved it. I really thought I was hot shit singing. One night, he had some friends over and they were sitting around talking and drinking and listening to music and just generally being god-like in my child eyes.

This song came on and I was like, "FUCK YES." I grabbed the broom and started pretending to play it while singing the words. My cousin came over and joined in. And when he did I got so mad that he'd stolen (what I had perceived to be) my thunder that I started crying and ran to my room. The worst.

Weezer, "Troublemaker"

I never got why this album took so much trashing. It seemed no less unreasonable than any other Weezer offering. You people are terrible, for real.

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