Hey there, Twitter-feuding musicians. It's time we take it old-school with a kindergarten version of the quiet game. Don't know the rules? Here's a crash course: Whoever shuts up the longest wins.
I know you love the media attention, and you've got a subpar album to promote, but there's nothing hard about fighting over social media. Think about it; you're using a little blue bird to deliver insults with the chirp of his "tweet," and it's causing your virtual girl panties to show.
Perhaps it's time to hike up your britches and play along with me, no?
Despite having the perfect vehicle (known as your LYRICS) to propel a proper feud forward, you're hurling 140-character rants at the person who stole your parking space and the meanie-head who won't let you borrow from their song. Real hard, guys.
I know you mean well, but you cannot effectively throw shade via social media, no matter how hard you may try. Hate mail is just not meant to be delivered by a cartoon bluebird. Although your grammatically offensive text-talk is entertaining (in a laugh-at-you, not with-you kind of way), it is not hard, legit or even slightly threatening to the person on the receiving end.
These Twitter tiffs are akin to boxing it out while one is encased in bubble wrap. I'm sorely disappointed at the effort.
Back in the day, artist beefs would play out in a mix of ego and creative license, and lyrics were the method in which you'd cut down your nemesis. Twitter may give you the instant gratification of calling someone a dick 20 seconds after the offending party tweets that your new single sucks, but what the hell happened to the scandal and intrigue of a plain ol' argument?
I'm not suggesting that we encourage violence and drive-bys, but could we get a little more adult-like arguing? Put the iPhone down and breathe for a second, fools. Twitter catfights are not good for your respect levels.
The post-Grammy Twitter exchange between Justin Bieber and Patrick Carney is a perfect example of why this shit needs to be shut down. We're at two weeks and counting, yet the biggest insult to date has been Bieber alerting his masses that Carney needs to be slapped around, to which Carney responded by changing his Twitter-name to "Justin Bieber." Just...wow.
See below for our list of the lamest social-media musician arguments to date. If your name is on that list, do us all a favor and step away from the Twitter.
Deadmau5 vs. Madonna The EDM producer took issue with Madonna asking a crowd at the Ultra Music Festival if anyone had "seen Molly" (slang for MDMA). He responded by posting the following (long, and at times unintelligible) rant on his Facebook page:
very classy there madonna. "HUR DUR HAS ANYONE SEEN MOLLY???" such a great message for the young music lovers at ultra. quite the f'n philanthropist. but hey, at least yer HIP AND TRENDY! fucking cant smack my head hard enough right now.
seriously, i giveth not a fucking single FUCK for slating on madonna for reaching an entirely NEW level of idiocy ... i can appriciate her meteoric career, and all good deeds done, but WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? That's your big contribution to EDM? Thats your big message to ultra attendies? hipsterspeak for looking for drugs? fuck off you fucking IDIOT. fuck.
Whoa. Slow it down there, giant mou5e. You're at the damn Ultra Music Festival, not church camp, and you wear a rodent mask while not being sarcastic about it. 'Nuff said.
Erykah Badu vs. the Flaming Lips After the Flaming Lips accidentally released the very NSFW video for "The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face," which featured a way-naked Erykah along with her sister Nayrok, who was covered in gold glitter, blood and semen, the interwebs immediately went nuts. Erykah took to the Twitter airwaves, claiming she was duped into it by Lips front man Wayne Coyne, and posted the following:
I told you from jump that I believed your concept to be disturbing, but would give your edit a chance... U disrespected me by releasing pics and rough vid on the internet without my approval... That is equivalent to putting out a security camera's images of me changing in the fitting room. Our art is a reflection of who we are... I have no connection to those images shot in their raw version.
As a human, I am disgusted with your what appears to be desperation and poor execution...As a director, I am unimpressed. As a sociologist I understand your type. As your fellow artist I am uninspired. As a woman I feel violated and underestimated.
Oh, and this:
You can kiss my glittery ass. O and Nayrok told me to tell you to kiss her ass too.
Wayne responded on Twitter by posting a picture of his gold, glittery lips accompanied by the text "I kissed it!!!! Thanks!!!!"
Real mature, you two...but I guess that could be taken as a version of "kissing and making up"?
Boy George vs. One Direction's Liam Payne After Boy George branded Liam Payne "rude" for not taking a picture with his niece at the Brit Awards, one-fifth of the UK bubble-gum boy band has been on the defensive -- backed by an army of preteen girls who have taken to Twitter, determined to clear his name of the wrongdoing. Liam issued the following oh-so-deep Twitter tirade in response to Boy George's name-calling:
Now, now boy lets not tell porkies firstly thanks for getting my name wrong three times secondly then asking me where is Liam?...awkward.
Then when you finally got it right saying you wanted Niall instead. If you would have asked me for a picture I would have stopped bro I just did what you said and pointed Niall out for you.
So u just keep wearing ur strange hats and enjoy yourself my little Georgie pie... It's still not cool, you just look weird.
Do you really want to hurt meeee do you really want to make me cryyy come on 'boy' lighten up ... Can I borrow a hat and make up for next Halloween I'd love to look as scary as you ;).
Yeah. I have no idea what that's saying either.
Azealia Banks vs. Bauuer: I suppose the fact that she's the only person on earth banned from using the "Harlem Shake" in a video has Azealia Banks slightly fired up, but why the shit would you want to use it? Azealia Twittered a response to Bauuer's greediness over the rights to the song, stating:
Why you cockblockin tho??? Lmaoooo
Bauuer responded by Tweeting that it wasn't her song, to which she responded:
You're a pussy. You don't belong in hip-hop.
Anyhow, somehow the clash between the two artists led to her calling Internet blogger (and resident idiot) Perez Hilton a gay slur, and pissing off GLAAD. Shoulda kept it in her crappy music, perhaps.
Patrick Carney vs. Justin Beiber: In other what-the-fuck news, TMZ asked Patrick Carney of the Black Keys what he thought about Justin Bieber not receiving a Grammy nod. His answer royally pissed off the Biebs, who told his zillion Twitter followers that Patrick should be slapped around. That enraged the hive, who have been providing us with hilarious spam on Carney's Twitter ever since. A few examples:
let justin , you're a fool uninteresting !
dude admit it your at your moms house right now crying your eyes out about all this. LOL you deserve it though. BITCH
it's really sad how ugly old and pathetic you are. You have to pretend to be Justin just to feel good about your self.
Tsk, tsk. I'm about to wash some mouths out with soap, you naughty kids!
Despite the obviously ill-matched battle of wits on Carney's Twitter, perhaps he should have kept the preschool antics to a minimum by NOT changing his profile and pretending to be Bieber for a weekend. Now the Beliebers will never stop.
Courtney Love vs. The Muppets: After the furry puppets covered Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" in 2011's The Muppets, Courtney accused the movie of "raping the memory" of her late husband. She also called Jason Segel, an actor in the movie, a "coward" for not responding to her comments. When criticism over her liberal use of the word "rape" began a backlash against her, the ever-eloquent Court took to Gothamist to type out the following response:
its mine to say and not public opinion its my and my daughters right and dave and krist have a grace note of 1.2 percent of a 100 in that song publishing that i begged kurt to let them have when he took his publishing back to himself as we wrote every single note- so yeah rape is a great word because its so insidious to do this and make me look 'crazy' on the lawyer owned tmz for declining it
Yeah, don't look at me. I can't decipher it for you. She does realize she's arguing with a giant green frog and Fozzie Bear, right?
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So...yeah. Shhhh. The quiet game is starting.