Last week Rocks Off was mindlessly trolling the Interweb when we stumbled upon a site solely dedicated to animal fights. No, not the awful kind that say, Michael Vick would have been found at a couple of years ago. This site, Wild Animal Fight Club, trafficks in speculative death matches like komodo dragon vs. deer, or massive Spanish bulls pitted against American black bears. It got us to thinking about what would happen if some of Houston's biggest and brightest stars squared off against each other in an old-school bare-knuckle brawl - the kind our ancestors probably had on the docks out in Galveston or the banks of Buffalo Bayou over a fifth of gin and some nachos or something. We came up with a quick handful of tantalizing matches, attempting to match people by size, stature and relative temperament. Feel free to add your own suggestions. And remember, the first rule of Houston Music Fight Club is tell everybody you know about Houston Music Fight Club so they can add theirs. Joe Mathlete vs. Roky Moon (Michael Hardin) Both of these guys are tall, stout and built like brick shithouses, as the boys back in Huntsville used to say in the yard. Mathlete and Hardin are also hella talented in their own right. Joe is an accomplished auteur of both prose, music, and the occasional music video, while Michael fronts two of Houston's hookiest, loudest bands in the boozy American Sharks and Bowie-inflected Roky Moon & Bolt. This match is almost dead even: Hardin seems to have a steely feral glint in his eye, and Mathlete is Italian. Winner: Moon. Have you ever seen American Sharks live? He looks like he's about to kick over the microphone stand and wrestle a bear. Zahira Gutierrez vs. Asli Omar Arguably two of Houston's most evocative and talented female singers, and a perfect match for a scrap in the Mango's parking lot. Both wear crazy shoes that may give either the advantage, depending on whose is pointier at the time. Wild Moccasins' Gutierrez has toured the East Coast and has probably scrapped with some Lower East Side hipster chicks, learning a few dirty tricks. On the other hand, the Tontons' Omar has that crazy blues-mama wail that would be extremely scary in a fight. Winner: We say Omar takes this round, but not without a good few licks from Gutierrez. Plus, Omar has that hand thing she does when she sings, which may be some form of fighting style we don't know about. Little Joe Washington vs. Hippie Mike This bout was the hardest to handicap. How do you match youthful exuberance against hard-bitten, boozy bluesmanship? Would Little Joe be too busy passing his hat around to see that Mike was about to clothesline him? Or would Little Joe throw Mike's tunic over his head and sucker-punch him in the gut? Our prevailing theory is that there would be no fight at all, but the strangest and most beautiful song-and-dance show ever. We could even take them to Lake Charles and sell out a casino hall. Winner: Realistically, we'll go with Little Joe. Anyone who grew up dishing out the blues in H-Town before our parents were born has to have some sort 30th-degree street-fighting black belt.
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