Houston Rap's Offensive Starting Lineup

Earlier this week, the defensive starters for the Houston rap football team were announced. They are a surly, nasty, potentially deadly bunch. They play hard and fast and with abandon.

Today, the offensive starters are announced. Were we picking rappers from Houston from any time period (say, grabbing them while they were in their athletic prime), this lineup likely would've looked a lot different. The rappers from then and now are wholly separate in structure (potential O line: H.A.W.K., Moe, Pokey, Scarface, Willie D).

As such, with this new class of players, we're going to depend heavily on speed and agility in the offense. This is a young man's offense. Spread the defense out. Pick them apart.


Quarterback: He's in charge of running the offense. He needs to be a leader of men, confident in his athletic ability as much as his ability to leech the best from his players. Also, it helps if he's tall.

Starter: Kane

Why: Blam-o. Our surprise pick. Kane has been instrumental in establishing this whole New Houston movement. He is a natural businessman. People listen to him. They trust him. No doubt, this would translate to the football field.

Running Back: Um, duh, he runs the ball. This offense is predicated on speed. Our running back should reflect that. But he should also be strong. Think Adrian Peterson.

Starter: Dante Higgins

Why: He has a neck that's 37 inches in circumference (we're estimating) and remarkable athleticism. We played basketball with Higgins once or twice before. One play, someone tried to lob a running layup over him. He sprung up -- from flat feet, mind you -- blocked the shot out of bounds, then, soon as his tip-toes touched the floor, exploded towards the ball, grabbing it before he or it touched the ground, and threw it back in to one of his teammates. It was remarkable. He appeared to only be half-trying.

Note: Higgins actually played receiver in college.

Fullback: This is our short yardage workhorse. Also, he's in charge of run-blocking and pass-blocking. He should be low to the ground, dense and have a concrete forehead. It'd be neat if he had a heavy brow, but that's only for cosmetic purposes.

Starter: D-Risha

Why: For all of the reasons listed above. He'd be like a little, biracial Vonta Leach.

Wide Receivers: Need to be fast and smart and fearless and have hands like a mouse trap and just a whole lotta cocky. Every play should end with him either (a) scoring a touchdown, or (b) wondering why it was that he didn't score a touchdown.

Starters: Preemo and Propain

Why: We want thin, quick, sure-minded guys in this spot. Pre and Pro are both that. What's more, they'd likely work well together because their personalities are polar opposites. Propain is one of the more fiery fellows in Houston, while Preemo's heart rate likely hovers somewhere around the mid-30s. One gets the other amped, the other keeps the first from exploding into a ball of flames.

Tight End: He catches short passes and knocks people on their asses. That's all he needs to do. That's all he wants to do. Everybody else need not apply.

Starter: The Aspiring A.D.D.

Why: He is big and broad and extra athletic. Plus, as mentioned before, he has Big Mello's shark blood in his veins. He's going to be bone hard zaggin' all over your ass for four quarters.

Offensive Tackles: These guys line up outside of the guards. They are on the edges of the O-Line, mostly responsible for warding off defensive ends but generally responsible for making sure the quarterback does not die. Remember that shitty movie The Blind Side that everybody pretended was good? Okay, the guy in there, he was an offensive tackle. That's what we need here. They don't have to white foster parents though.

Starters: Trae and Clip

Why: Trae has proven over and over again that his urge to protect those around is an endless, unwavering trait, even when it might not be in his best interests. Clip is his right hand man. There might be no safer place in the universe than behind them.

Offensive Guards: The left and right guards line up next to the center. They clog up the middle of the field. They try to make life awful for anybody that exists in their space.

Starters: Coyo and Sherro

Why: Sherro is as excitable as any Houston rapper; his energy will be valuable here, battling with hogs and monsters all day. Coyo is maybe a little undersized, but he's kind of a madman, so he should be able to keep up here.

Center: A critical, entirely underappreciated role. He is responsible for initiating every single play on offense. If you don't have a strong center, your whole life will be awful.

Starters: Tha Centop

Why: Because he's big and mean and sure-handed. Oh, also, his name is terrifying too. Could you imagine looking at a scouting report to see who your assignment and reading "Tha Centop"? Jesus, man. It sounds like a giant octopus or something. Who the fuck wants to wrestle with an octopus all day?

Kicker: He kicks.

Starter: Dustin Presige

Why: Because as soon as word released that the Houston rapper football team was being constructed, he asked specifically for that role. The only guys that make for good kickers are guys that actively want to be kickers.

That's it, bro. Congratulations to everyone that made this imaginary football that will never play any games. It is a high honor.

Be here next week when more ridiculous, time-consuming nonsense is written.

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