Current Events

How Beyoncé Microwaved the News This Week

Here's how a major announcement would roll in the life of Brando: short, quick, brief moments of celebration, smug congratulations and thank-yous from people before the realization that only douches do that sort of thing and I'd be captain of their army.

And nobody wants to hitch a ride on that train of thought.

Thing is, I'm not a superstar nor do I aspire to be one. Plenty of other things could be checked off my bucket list, but being so famous that I'm immediately associated with the phrases "crazy," "Napoleon complex" and "Katt Williams" isn't one of them. Not my cup of tea. But it is surely fascinating watching one particular star decide to leak out new information on a daily basis that is both parts stop-the-presses captivating and overwhelming.

Two thousand thirteen is about living inside of a microwave. And Beyoncé just mastered it in five days' time.

SUNDAY Queen B is bouncing off the walls, ecstatic that her commercials with Pepsi (who gave her $50 million to endorse its product) are starting to run during the NFL playoffs. Her daughter just had her first birthday and, for a present, got a $1 million suite to sit inside father Jay-Z's brand-new Brooklyn arena. The nursery where Blue Ivy gets to chill during games has replica dinosaur eggs which may or may not actually be replicas. I'm not even making that up. Okay, I am, but you still sort of have to believe it.

Also, I'd beat her in UNO. No joke. There's an UNO patch on my Texans letterman jacket.

MONDAY Tumblr and Instagram are Beyoncé's main two avenues of communication to the world. She'll mean-mug in poses with Rockets snapback hats and then write eloquent letters that get press simply because she penned them. That's life. Oh, and then news sort of breaks that she might be doing big things this spring. We think it's a new album of sorts. We think we're prepared, but we aren't. Oh, not even by a long shot.

TUESDAY To combine forces of fame and richness and power, Beyoncé has been tapped to sing at President Barack Obama's second inauguration. I haven't seen the guest list, but I'm pretty sure she and Jay-Z are one of the only couples who got invited back after performing during the first Inauguration. My big announcement? Wondering how in the world did Notre Dame get dusted in Monday's National Championship Game. That prompted my father, a guy who could care less about college football, to ask me before work, "So...that was the Texans game on repeat, wasn't it?"

Too soon, man, too soon.


Somebody just so happens to leak a photo of Beyoncé's upcoming February GQ cover, and Twitter goes absolutely nuts. Rumors start swirling, "How did she even have a baby to have THAT sort of body?" Didn't "Bootylicious" teach you people anything?

GQ pretty much is forced to reveal the actual cover after more images from the spread leak out, thus allowing the Internet to prove how almighty it can be when a leak happens. It's the biggest amount of press GQ has received for a cover since Rihanna wore not much more than John Travolta's Grease jacket a few months ago.

Then Justin Timberlake reveals he has a song coming with both Bey and Hov, and the world collectively loses its minds once more. How? How in the world can one woman be part of so much news? And holy crap, JUSTIN SAYS WE'RE GETTING NEW MUSIC FROM HIM TOMORROW.

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Brandon Caldwell has been writing about music and news for the Houston Press since 2011. His work has also appeared in Complex, Noisey, the Village Voice & more.
Contact: Brandon Caldwell