How To Be In A METAL Band: The Blunt Version

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With the SXSW trash bags barely at the curb, some musicians are licking their wounds. Discouraged perhaps by a bad sound system, disappointing turnout or their ham-fisted (or shit-faced) fellow bandmates, some are no doubt deciding to pack it in and pursue the straight-job route. Kinko's is always hiring.

Some bravely soldier on, like this 31-year-old gentleman in North Austin who wants to start a metal band. He is currently listening to All Shall Perish, As I Lay Dying, All That Remains, Chimera and Lamb of God, and will always love "Old Metallica, Slayer, Obituary, Death, etc."

Your first clue that this guy might be a little critical of his potential bandmates is what he isn't into: "Total shit like Dance Gavin Dance, Like Moth to Flames [and] any kind of piss-poor, sloppy guitar and whiny 'my vag is so sensitive to sand' vocals." Good luck with that, singers.

He spells it out further under the alert: "** READ THIS **":

Take a few seconds and read what I am into. Now imagine you contacting me and eventually calling me, and asking if I would like to play some blues. Or some '60s Rock. Or some Stone Temple Pilots. Or some Nickleback [sic].

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, AUSTIN? NO! The title says "Guitarist for Metal Band,", not "Guitarist for chicken fucking, bluesy-riffs, and sonic diarrhea."

About me:

  • I prefer older musicians. I am 31, prefer people my age or older. Sorry kids.
  • I work, live, and get in trouble in N Austin area. Unless you have lined up clean Asian whores for after practice, I am NOT driving to Music Lab. I am not driving farther South than Parmer. Period.
  • NOT looking to make this a career. I want to make bad ass music, play out a couple times a month, possibly smoke weed, and fuck Metal chicks. That is all.
  • Please be able to play your instrument. You know what, I should not even have to write this shit here, but fuck me ... this is Austin, so I seriously have to spell this shit out.

He goes on to further spell out what he's looking for ("you have enough gear to be heard over the drums") and what he's not ("If you think that smelling and dirty makes you a musician... DO NOT CONTACT ME"). He lists some of his basic equipment so all but the most simple-minded can "meet up and play some metal."

He would prefer his bandmates stay sober until at least the end of the second song. "You know what their shit sounded like?" he says. "Four drunk clowns murdering their instruments, and one guy trying to figure out how the fucking song was supposed to be played that day. Not a good time."

A little later, he explains exactly what it is he hates about most musicians in the Live Music Capital of the world.

"AUSTIN!" he begins. "You have, per capita, the highest 'Fuckwit to Musician' ratio on the planet. Why so many flakes? Ninty-five percent of you weak cow-fuckers cancel because you need to wash your skinny jeans and polish your fake glasses. You idiots are not interested in making music, please don't waste my time and yours with your bullshit and excuses. Thanks.

"Against all odds, I hope to find some decent Metal Musicians to hook up with and jam," he concludes. "Keep your fingers crossed."

Best of luck with all that, sir. If you think you've got what it takes to reply to this guy's ad, Godspeed. Here it is.

Follow Rocks Off on Facebook and on Twitter at @HPRocksOff.

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