How to Play a Vinyl Record

So you want to play a vinyl, eh?

Perhaps you've come across your grandma's old record player, or maybe you've found a sweet stash of vinyls at your local Goodwill that would look perfect in your hipster pad, and you want to test them out to impress your moustachioed friends.

There's only one problem, though. You're well out of the demographic that remembers 8-track players, much less those strange, disc-looking things you're holding haphazardly, and you can't just ask the dude in skinny pants that won't get off your couch. You'd lose way too much street cred.

Well, you're in luck. An official old is here to teach you the ways. Watch and learn, childrens.

What you'll need: 1 Record Player 1 Vinyl Record 1 arm/hand

Preparing to Play Your Vinyl When playing a vinyl, you will need to first choose a vinyl. I like to choose things based on how '70s-legit the photos on the front are, but you can choose in any manner you like. I go with the bigger and bushier the beard, the better the record, which may or may not work for you.

Perhaps you'll want to choose by mullet length, the righteousness of the feathered bangs, or simply the sheer hilariousness of the artwork. Or maybe just by the type of music you like. Whatever floats your boat on this one. Just pick one and let's get down to business.

Step 1: Remove the vinyl from that protective sleeve. That pretty little paper wrapping is a protective sleeve, and also a square, and you must remove it in order to actually start the process of playing your record. So reach in there, grab that ribbed round thing, and carefully slide it out of its protective home. Don't rush; no need for speed in this process. Just gently caress and slide.

Step 2: Place it like it's hot. Take the round thing that emerged from the paper sleeve, line up the hole in the center with the metal point on the turntable -- it's called a spindle, by the way -- and lay the vinyl down gently. Have you succeeded? You're obviously a natural at this.

Lesson continues on the next page.

Step 3: Time to power this bitch up. Have you managed to set your vinyl on the record player without breaking it? Great. Now reach out to the record player and flip that power button to the "on" position. Is electricity flowing through that bad boy? Sweet. Now turn the "speed" switch, which happens to be separate from the "power" switch, and spin it over to whatever speed you want your record to play. That should set things in motion nicely.

Step 4: Aim is everything. This can be useful in so many life areas, but especially so when it comes to playing a vinyl. Carefully -- carefully -- swing the tone arm, that handle-looking thing that touches down to play the record, and place it over the groove on the record that marks the song you want to play.

There should be a button to control the arm. See it? Now press it to lower it onto the record. If you've done this part right, you'll hear music playing. If you hear it, you're awesome.

Step 5: There is no step five: you're playing a damn vinyl. Congrats! Now remember, our moustachioed, bearded, and skinny-jeaned friends, that practice makes perfect. Do the above steps often enough, and you'll be enough of an expert to teach the next hipster generation the ways of the wax. Good luck, and Godspeed.


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